Devastated

I am devastated.

The little person I have loved since the first moment I knew of his existence and was so excited to meet and prayed for and waited 29 weeks in joyful hope for, was born and returned to God just after 9:00 p.m. on Monday 10th June, 2013.

When my brother called to say that my sister-in-law was in labour, my sister and I wasted no time getting to the hospital. I remember our excited conversation on the car ride there. We went through the gamut of emotions as we waited with his grandparents, excitement, wonder and just plain happiness for our family. FINALLY! It was happening.

Then heartbroken when we heard the news, ‘Baby didn’t make it.’

We removed the baby bag we had with us then. The bag filled with items so lovingly bought for him. Then we waited patiently to meet him.

He was small, just over two pounds. He had a full head of hair. ‘Ten fingers, ten toes and one nose’ as my sister lovingly said. He looked like my brother. He was perfect. We held him. We prayed. We cried. We took photos and we have his footprints…treasures that will be forever cherished.

All week, I have been waking up having to remind myself that yes, it did happen. And the sad thing is I am his aunt. I cannot begin to imagine what my sister-in-law is feeling.

I remember my cousins and I were liming a few months ago and we were all talking about whether we wanted a boy or a girl, as if we had a say…I wanted a nephew. I remember saying I wanted a nephew because my brother is a good man and he is going to be an even better Dad and I wanted my kids to have an older cousin who would be loving towards them the way I know my brother will raise his sons to be. I remember saying we need more men like my brother in our family.

I mourn for the chance to shower this child with all the love I still have overflowing for him. When we say goodbye, it will be more than just that final funeral goodbye. It will be goodbye to the adventure of watching him grow, feeding him, telling him about his grandmother and the ‘sweet’ names we imagine she would have called him. Goodbye to the toddler, teenager, big brother, loving cousin and adult we imagined him to grow up be over the last 29 weeks. We will say goodbye to the potential of this baby boy so loved by all of us.

I am so proud of my brother and sister-in-law. Throughout all of this, they have maintained that God is in charge. And while I needed a minute or 10 to be angry at God and ask Him why everything in our lives must be so hard, losing mummy and now Luke…I know He understands my anger and sadness.

I know we cannot change what has happened. I trust that God is in charge and while I may not understand why this has happened now, I will accept it…eventually.

John Green said, “A short life can be a good life.” I now understand this on a whole new level.

Luke has left us with a great legacy: our love for each other has only grown stronger, he has brought our family closer together, having him be part of our journey for the short time that we did, put things in perspective for us; we all know what is really important.

We will speak about Luke. We will tell our future children about him. We will continue to love him, because he was real and he will always be part of our family.