VernetteOutLoud

Day 25 – Counting my blessings

Today”s Affirmation:

Today I live and walk in truth.

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else – Erma Bombeck

Today, I am still in turmoil. I feel like I’m back to square one in terms of my emotional progress. Usually, when I feel overwhelmed I either want to be alone or I seek the company of my sister. She is one of my best friends and always gives me the unvarnished truth about my situations. Spending time with her always improves my moods.

I completely unburdened myself to her. I didn’t hold anything back. And there was no judgement. When we walk in truth and light, there is nothing but love. And when we show people who we really are, yes it makes us vulnerable, but it also empowers us. This is who we are and that is all there is. No pretense. Walking in truth, emboldens us in all aspects of our life. Being true and real and showing ourselves as we truly are helps us grow towards an authentic life and that should be the only way we want to live.

Tomorrow is my birthday and I know this adds to my sadness. All this confusion and sadness was impacting on my gift-giving as well. I couldn’t focus on gift giving, when I was thinking only about myself. But the opportunity to give still presented itself. A friend of mine called me up and suggested that we go out for a bit. I decided that this will be my gift. I will take this opportunity to give my time despite how low I was feeling. Turned out being out, being out helped my mood a bit. I am certainly grateful for my sister and the blessing of my friend.

Day 24 – Drowning in Love

Sinking Ship

I will go down with this ship

Today’s affirmation:

My heart is wounded and my mind is muddled, help me find healing in giving today.

I’m pretty much going through the motions today. I had to be at work on a Saturday, so that does not improve my mood. Big Love is on my mind. The words of this song was all I could think of:

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be
– Dido

You will see me write this over and over, “BIG love is never easy”. That’s because it is hard to find and when you do…that’s not the end of it, it takes work. HARD WORK! Loving someone is easily the best gift you can give. You can choose to be cynical about it, fear it, underestimate it or you can be open to it and share it with the world. Speaking your true feelings is scary as hell and while it makes you vulnerable, it also empowers you. When you speak your truth, when you walk in the light, there is nothing but love. The downside is when you speak your truth and the person you’re speaking it to is not ready to hear it.

Rejection is not easy. It can leave you questioning everything. It’s hard in the thick of hurting to be conscious to the fact that the rejection is about the other person. Not you. They are preventing love. They have closed themselves off from receiving that which you want to give. They must want it. You cannot love them enough to change. They must do their own work. All you can control is how you deal with you and your emotions. You have to do your own work. Speak your truth always. Love yourself enough and when you are ready for love, it will come.

So I had all this on my mind and really wasnt feeling for company but my sister insisted I come spend some time with her. I decided that will be my gift. Spending time with her, turned into a family get-together at a beach house. Being around my family, reminded me that there is real love in my life. And that’s all that matters really, the love that we do have.

Day 23 – Making Amends

Today I give from my heart.

There is a scene in the movie Sex in the City, where Miranda hurt Carrie and then badgers her for forgiveness while she herself could not forgive her husband.

Miranda: ‘You have to forgive me.’
Carrie: ‘You badger me to forgive you in three days and you won’t even consider forgiving Steve for something he did six months ago.’
Miranda: ‘It’s not the same thing.’
Carrie: ‘Its forgiveness.’

Forgiveness is an act or decision or exercise in “letting go”. It is hard and very often takes time. It is a sacrifice and in loving relationships, we are called to forgive more times than we would like. It is never easy to admit wrong-doing and to ask for forgiveness and it is sometimes even harder to give it. It’s one thing to say “I’m sorry” but for me often times, saying, “I accept” is easier to than the “I forgive you” part.

I realised today that I have been holding on to a hurt for a while and when the person who did the hurting contacted me today, I had a moment of clarity. For months I have been avoiding this person. And it was because even though I had accepted the apology made months ago, I hadn’t done the forgiving part. While I didn’t bring up the hurt, it was there like an invisible force around me keeping this person out. And the thing about invisible force fields is that while they protect you from outside forces, you are also kept from the outside. My light was a little dimmer, because I was letting this hurt hold me back.

Today, my gift was truly accepting the apology made so many months ago and actually forgiving the hurt. It was time. We talked, not about the hurt, just talked and it was during that conversation I decided to forgive. And that was the end of it. Before you can truly accept an apology, especially when the hurt may have gone deep, you have to think the whole situation through, acknowledge that a mistake was made and then let it go. This whole process can take mere minutes to years sometimes, but the longer we take to do the forgiving the dimmer our light becomes.

There is freedom in forgiveness and life is way to short not to be free.

Standing in the RAIN

Let the rain wash over you.

One of my favourite childhood memories and pleasures was being allowed to bathe in the rain. Man, we would wait for a nice, heavy shower and eagerly look to mummy for the approval to change into swimsuits and have a nice frolic. It got so that we could tell by the force of the rain how long it would last, if we could get a nice bath/game going or if it was what we called “sick” rain. You know…the rain that no matter how much hot cocoa you drink afterward, you’re still gonna get sick. Yep, I’m a rain…dare I say it…I’m a rainWOman when it comes to rain.

This is a pleasure I still enjoy even in adulthood. It feels so invigorating just standing in the rain. Feeling each drop coolly merging with your skin. Face towards the sky, there is something so zen about feeling the water on your skin. Pores raised. Cool rain on warm skin. Just so fresh and new. And I can hear the tsk tsks now but for me there is something so naughty about being in the rain and of course the memories of my childhood always bring me a special joy. I will definitely need a secluded backyard one day, so that when I have kids, I can share this simple pleasure with them. And well, when I say there is something naughty about rain, just think wet kisses…cold rain…warm bodies. But I digress.

The very cycle of how rain is formed is powerful and a true testament to the power of creation. Nothing good can happen without rain. Water is life, without it we cannot grow or evolve. Just as the earth accepts rain, so that it can be fruitful, it’s the same for us. There will be rain in our lives, but I choose to see it as a blessing, come to wash us, to nourish us and to give life. Yes it may cause a flood, which might clear some old paths and create new ones. Yes, the water might be muddy but in its wake, nothing is the same. Rain changes everything.

On my little island in the sun, rain is a fact of life, especially now as we are in the thick of Hurricane season. Ernesto is moving his way through the Caribbean and he leaves in his wake thunder showers aplenty. Rain, is in fact, a fact of every life. After all tears must fall. That’s why Standing in the RAIN is such a powerful metaphor for standing in our feelings. Letting them wash over us. The only way to heal it, is to feel it. We have to sit with our emotions or stand in them, so that we can push through them and move forward.

And after the rain has subsided and the clouds have parted, the sun always comes out, sometimes even with a rainbow. All the more reason to enjoy it.

I must apologize for not being up-to-date with my 29 gifts posts, I was busy at work and this was also my birthday week. My 29-Gift journey ended yesterday and I will post the last few days before the weekend is over.

Day 22 – Real Friends

“What will I do without a best friend?” – Beaches (one of my all time favourite movies)

Today’s affirmation:

Today I’m grateful for my real friends.

In the movie Friends With Benefits Jamie’s mother advises her to “update her fairytale” pretty much saying that your prince charming or soul mate doesn’t necessarily mean an actual Prince on a white steed, come to rescue you from a life without love.

This rang home to me, because I’ve known for a long time that this romanticized version of a soul mate may exist somewhere out there but for me and my reality, I have been blessed to have more than one soul mate and they have nothing to do with romance.

The only way to have a friend is to be one. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Have you ever met someone and just clicked? It’s like you’ve known each other all your lives. A kinda love at first sight thing? Have you had that happen with someone you had absolutely no romantic interest in whatsoever? This is how it was for me when I met my friend Laquetha. It was love at first sight, the first day of our 6th form orientation. We just clicked. And have been clicking for more than 15 years. Wow 15 years. 15 years of loving, caring, growing and strengthening a bond that time and distance has not shaken.

My gift today was calling and wishing Laquetha a happy birthday and reminiscing a bit about the years. We’ve been through a lot together. We survived 6th Form in a Boy’s School, the birth or her son and my godson who by the way was born on my birthday (yaay me!), her move to the US, my mother’s death and the various heart-breaks in between. The good times, the great times, the sad times, she’s been there.

Laquetha is my ride-or-die-sister-from-another-mother-will-always-love-and-cherish-her soul mate. I feel blessed to have her in my life. She inspires me to continue to move in the direction of my dreams no matter what. She’s a single mom and recently graduated from University. So proud of her and all she has accomplished. Happy Birthday, love.