VernetteOutLoud

Glitter & Confetti Confessions

I’ve learnt that:

  •  Alone is not a four-letter word, neither is Single.
  • I am intense and that’s okay. I love hard. I am passionate about the things that move me. My family comes first – my blood and the family I chose, my Cohort Of Awesome. This is me.
  • I can eat Tiramisu for the rest of my life and never get tired and I really want someone to fund this challenge. Aioli…I’m looking at you.  
  • Sushi and wine is a thing. My thing.
  • Knowing my Love Language has helped me unpack some of the baggage I’ve been carrying around. My Love Language: Quality Time and Words of Affirmation…Translation: Friendship and Encouragement/Appreciation.
  • Bejeweled Blitz and Scrabble on FB are my guilty pleasures.
  • I am a hypocrite on Thursday nights…well that will resume from September 25th anyway.
  • It doesn’t matter whether Brazil ever manages to give another football team 10 goals in a World Cup Semi-final in the future…I will have to find a way explain to my future children about the debacle of 2014 – which will be talked about until Jesus comes back for His world – and why mummy still supports that side.
  • I am still capable of throwing tantrums…foot stomping included.
  • I’m a hardcore pluviophile and that’s okay.
  • Time doesn’t heal all things. In fact in some cases, time makes things worse. When it comes to conflict resolution time can cause a wound to fester. You have to work at resolution and reconciliation, not winning. If there is a winner…there has to be loser. And this life is too short for that kinda drama.
  • Grief has revealed who I really am.
  • Adulthood is a freaking trap and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I shoulda put my foot down in 6th Form and stayed there.
  • I will never have a thigh gap and that’s okay.
  • I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve…except for those I love. Then you have it forever.
  • I love long lists and I cannot lie.
  • Failure is always an option. I have made a shitload of bad decisions in love, in business…in life. And that’s okay. Because every day I open my eyes and find myself in the land of the living…I get to try again.
  • I am no longer a girl. I am fantastically and supremely woman. I honour this body and all its imperfect beauty. I am thankful for all the experiences that brought me to this very moment. I embrace all that I am because I know that I am the product of “a thousand loves.”
  • My power is in the present. This is all I have.
  • I cannot live without books. I cannot live without blogs (my favs at least). Reading, learning and growing is like oxygen to me.
  • You become who you surround yourself with. Choose well.
  • I don’t need to try something new every day to be fulfilled. Living in fear every single day is not how I want to live my life. Overcoming my fears…one at a time works for me. The little so-called mundane things I do everyday…makes for a great life if I do them well. Those in-between moments are just as poignant.
  • The more I love for the simplest of reasons, the more reasons there are to love: Myself, my family, rain, tiramisu…the colour red…everything.
  • I have this one life. This one chance to do things my way…not the cheapest way, the most popular way or the way someone else thinks I should.
  • My happiness is a full-time job and every day I commit to cultivating a heart full of joy, wonder, love and gratitude.
  • These are my core values: Contribution. Growth. Authenticity. Excitement. Loyalty. Family. Passion.
  • “No” is essential to my peace of mind. It is the foundation I build all my “Yeses” on.
  • I make time for that which is important to me, this goes for my goals, items on my Life List and my relationships. If I say something is important, but I’m not making time for it…something has to change.
  • And speaking of change…Nothing changes, if nothing changes. There is a popular quote that describes insanity as doing the same thing over and over expecting to get different results. If I want something different for myself, I have to change the way I do things.
  • I own my crazy. I own my reality…because the one I’m living is the one I chose.
  • Life is too short for holding on to grudges. “Grudges are for those who insist that they are owed something.” I have big-girl Jedi panties for this specific reason. “Forgiveness is for those who are confident enough to stand on their own two feet and move on.”
  • Every single day I work on becoming the person I love. This one precious life I have is a living, breathing reflection of my dynamic self.
  • My glass is full. Be it wine, water, tea, or coffee. My glass is full. Not half full or half empty. Full. And it is up to me to ensure that it stays that way.
  • Miracles are only obvious in hindsight. And the fact that I’m still here, still writing, still loving, still growing it the most fantastic one of all.

 

MORE

There are only a few hours left in 2013 and I’m so proud of me for having stuck with Blogher’s NaBloPoMo December. I started this journey with a Gratitude post and I am ending on that note as well.

I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR TODAY.

I got to feel the sun on my skin. I made peace with the past. I cried. I lit a candle for all that was and for all that is yet to come. I lived to see today. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring and in this moment I am whole and happy.

If you don’t design your own life plan, chances are you’ll fall into someone else’s plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much. – Jim Rohn

As I sit here toasting all that went down in 2013, I keep asking myself…if the life I’m creating by the choices I’m making propelling me towards my best self? I think I stuck to the Manifesto I created for 2013. I walked in Truth and now my heart is bigger, busted wide open and ready even more Love. I am a better version of me and I truly love the woman I am growing into. As I think about those choices that led me to this moment and with a full heart, I set my intention for MORE in 2014. I want:

More of what counts.

More of what is important to me. The people I love. I plan to tell them every chance I get. Starting with the family lime we usually have on New Year’s Day. I am so lucky to still have the chance to tell them.

More Writing.

After writing inconsistently for most of the year because I’m lazy for all kinds of reasons, I finally turned things around by successfully completing this month’s NaBloPoMo challenge. I am proud to say I wrote/posted in this space every day for December. *throws confetti* Thank you for reading!

More Travel.

This year I visited New York City, D.C., Virginia, Grenada and St Vincent. I have been bitten by the travel bug hard. I am craving new experiences. So next year, I plan to go much further, I already have four trips planned and I am super excited about them!

More time with my Cohort of Awesome.

I haven’t been very good at keep in touch with my family and friends who live afar…this is anybody who does not live in my neighbourhood. I know, I know! Thankfully my sister and brother live within a few blocks of me. My sister is the family whisperer though. She knows everything that’s happening with everybody. While I don’t think I can get to her level of social prowess, in 2014 I plan to do better than I’ve done this year. These are the people who make this journey of mine worthwhile. I need to make sure they know I appreciate them.

More self-care.

You know how when you fly on an airplane, the flight attendant instructs you to put your oxygen mask on first, before helping others? Do you know why this is an important rule for ensuring survival? You put on your oxygen mask first, because if you run out of oxygen, you can’t help anyone else with their mask. I had a massage last week and when the masseuse got to my shoulders and neck we both could feel the knots. It was p a i n f u l. She immediately said to me that this is my health I’m playing with. Why was I carrying so much stress? If something happens to me…because I allowed stress to make me sick, guess what…I can’t help anybody and life will go on without me. I CHOOSE to be here to celebrate life in 2014. Bring on those massages!

The biggest lesson I’ve learned this year is that Happiness is not a destination, it’s a journey and it’s one that you begin from within. It is simply doing the things every single day that move you closer to your best possible self.

Happy New Year to all of you. I wish you only the best.

Light & Love.

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I’m participating in BlogHer’s NaBloPoMo Challenge for the month of December:

NaBloPoMo_MoreLess

You can read some awesome entries here: NaBloPoMo December

Gratitude

Been a while since I’ve published a post and I’m grateful to have had you lovely people finding my blog and reading despite this space being dormant for over a month.

As 2013 winds down, I’m clearing out the cobwebs and starting December with a GRATITUDE post. God is working in my life and I must share. I don’t always understand why things happen but I keep learning from my experiences and moving forward.

“Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” – 1 Thessalonians 5:18

I’m grateful for another day of life. Not the bullshit version, where it’s all unicorns and glitter…nope…I’m grateful for those “shit happens” lessons, those “evil exists in this world” lessons and so we shouldn’t take LIFE..oxygen for granted. When you get to see another day…when you get another chance to try again…BE GRATEFUL, then get up and DO SOMETHING!

I’m grateful for my One Word which has impacted my life significantly this year. Truth has been the foundation upon which I built, rebuilt and created new relationships this year. This meant I lost relationships which weren’t in alignment with my new focus and I have never felt freer. No regrets.

I’m grateful for my Cohort Of Awesome. You enrich my life every.single.day. You make me better. I see you. I appreciate you. I have learned from my sister-in-law what an indomitable spirit truly means, from my sister I’ve learned that 6 not 3 times the charm and that nothing is too much when your dream is on the line. And Ingrid, we’ve been friends since we were 5…you know the real me and still you continue to support and encourage me. These three are pillars of light in my COA…attention must be paid.

I’m grateful for my heart-open approach to love. There was a time in my life when I tried valiantly to hide that part of me. There was a time when I tried being cynical because I didn’t feel safe revealing the real me. That was a sad, dark and lonely time. I’ve learned…the hard way, that this is not who I am. That is not who I was created to be. Someone said to me recently that when I love, I love with all of me…and I felt seen. I’m grateful for all the love I get to have in my life. I’m grateful that I get to share my love and that I get to BE LOVE.

And finally, I’m grateful for YOU. Sawubona. This is an African Zulu greeting, pronounced Sow-bow-nah, it means “I see you”, I see your personality, I see your humanity, I see your potential, I see your presence, I see your dignity and I respect and appreciate all that I see. The response is “Yebo Sawubona” which means “yes I see you too.” Because this blog is a dialogue between you and me. When you find this heart expression of mine and it resonates with you…we see each other. Thus, Sawubona now becomes an invitation to participate in each other’s life and for this I thank you for reading and allowing me this moment to be part of your journey.

I’m trying NaBloPoMo December and this month’s theme is More/Less. I think this is a fitting way to close 2013. I want more gratitude. I want more thanksgiving and less fussing, complaining and worry and fear. You can look out for posts over the course of the month as I explore this theme.

Now I wanna hear from you. What are you grateful for? What has been happening in your life that you are learning from? Please share below.

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I’m participating in BlogHer’s NaBloPoMo Challenge for the month of December:

NaBloPoMo_MoreLess

You can read some awesome entries here: NaBloPoMo December.

Tiki Time-Out

Wannabe Kit Kat

Wannabe Kit Kat

A ‘Tiki time-out’ is the distant Trini cousin to a ‘Kit Kat break’ and I was in need of a serious time out. I needed some time to get a hold of myself, hence, the silence on the blog. May is a tough time for me, my mother’s birthday into Mother’s Day is always a sharp reminder that May 2010 was the last happy times we shared. Facing the agony of this loss is hard and I’m broken.

No control

My brother says I’m a verb. I’m a doer. And gosh I like being in control of everything. Yeah some people say it makes me pretty overbearing and others say bossy but having control or rather the illusion of control keeps me grounded. I can breathe easier.

So imagine this thing happens to me…my family and my whole life is changed forever, something I have no control over. Then the loss, the sadness, the dull constant ache that does not go away, no matter how hard I may be laughing in any given moment is always lurking on the edge of everything…just waiting to swallow me up.

To the person who said, grief comes in waves. I say BULLeffingSHIT.

This is not a wave. I’m caught up in a tsunami and I have no control.

Everything is bittersweet. There are significant milestones happening in our lives and while I am happy in the moment…there is always a fuzzy dreamlike quality to that emotion.

Guilt

Because I should put on my big girl panties and be ‘normal’ by now right? I don’t want to keep pushing my loss in everyone’s face, or feel ashamed that there is a lump in my throat and I have to fight back tears if I allow myself to think too long about anything concerning my mother. I don’t want to keep harping on it or feel like I’m boring everyone with my grief process. I don’t want to feel judged or hear about what might be the ‘best’ way to deal with this. THIS IS NOT NORMAL! What is too much or too little when it comes to grief and letting go? And, honestly, I don’t know if the people around me can tolerate me when I’m like this…because life goes on…for everybody else.

Time Out

So I checked out for a bit. I needed to own and honor what I was feeling. And guess what? The sadness swallowed me up. I was unable to wish my own friends a ‘happy mother’s day’. I was so caught up in me. I am an orphan now you know.

I thought about my mother and my experiences with her. I remember when she talked about the first moment she felt like a mummy. It was after she got home from the hospital and the ‘welcome home’ party had gone to their homes. It was just the two of us. She said she looked at me and she knew that she would never be the same. I was a C-Sec baby so I never got the “I was in labor for hours and hours talk’. In fact my mother never used her labor as a guilt trip on any of us.

My mum had four kids. There was a baby before me but he died at birth. She called him Elliot and never forgot him. We three though, she spoiled. She gave me the freedom to make my own mistakes whether she approved of my actions or not. She gave me her undivided attention and unconditional love. I watched her face her cancer and fight for her life. And when the time came, I watched her say her goodbyes with grace. I, on the other hand, I don’t know how to let go…yet.

Peace

There are no goodbyes for us. Wherever you are, you will always be in my heart. – Gandhi

I’m making my peace with her not being here. Slowly.

And as I count the blessings of the time and experiences I had with my mother, I consider what is left and I am grateful. I can say now to all those badass women who embrace motherhood, “Hat’s off to you. Happy Belated Mother’s Day.”

Challenge Accepted

One of my favourite bloggers got the idea from one of his favourite bloggers and I’ve accepted the challenge to condense 30 days of blessings into one blog post. So here goes:

1. Coffee!

2. The 947,462,400 seconds I had with my mother. Time is short and life is shorter. Love now. Love Now! LOVE NOW!

3. Tiramisu – my all time favourite dessert. Bless the heart, mind and hands that first envisioned and created this decadent “pick me up”.

4. Being able to read.

5. Good Books – there is nothing like curling up with a book and crawling inside the story. And of course I can’t talk about good books and not mention one of my favs, it’s so simple but so profound Harold and His Purple Crayon…inspiring me to create the life of my imagination everyday.

6. Red Wine.

7. Peace of mind. This should really be #1 but I’ll leave it as lucky #7 instead. I’ve attained a peacefulness of spirit in the last few days that is priceless. I did the thing I was most afraid of doing. I said the thing I was most afraid of saying. And I am ok. PEACE. OF. MIND.

8. My aunties...and yes that’s coffee in front of me.

9. That I live on island. The ocean is always only a short drive away.

10. God chose this time in our history to help my mother and father create me. I feel so blessed to be alive in this era.

11. My faith. I’m grateful that my mother knew the importance of spiritual practice and that she encouraged it. Thanks to her for introducing me to God.

12. Good food. This is the yummiest way to have spinach…after smoothies of course.

13. The trackpad on my phone. When it works, all is well with the world. When it doesn’t….more coffee please!

14. My apartment. I love having my own space during this part of my journey. It’s my safe haven. It’s my haiku to my independence…my “look ma…no hands”.

15. My godsons. They keep me on my toes. They remind me that children don’t stay babies forever and you need to cherish those moments. They also make me grateful that I don’t have kids yet.

16. My cohort of awesome! (this is my creative way of saying I’m grateful for my real friends, old and new)

17. That I know the difference between “being in love” and “being 80s power ballad in love”. Survivor or Journey anyone?

I was living for a dream, loving for a moment
Taking on the world, that was just my style
Now I look into your eyes
I can see forever, the search is over
You were with me all the while
– Search is Over, Survivor

18. Rainy days – life is about balance, they make you appreciate sunshine.

19. ABC’s Wednesday Primetime line up! Mitchell and Cam are two of my favourite tv characters.

20. Air-conditioning. I live on an island. Nuff said.

21. 2-ply toilet paper…and that they’re cushy for my tushy (yes I went there!)

22. Tom Hardy. Perfect body…messed up teeth, because the perfect man does not exist. (Tom comes close though!)

23. My yoga practice.

24. My feet. They take me where I need to go despite taking a pounding from the moment I get up until I lie down at night, only to repeat the same process the next day.

25. French Toast!

26. Pinterest – because big girls need toys too.

27. My basil and rosemary plants are thriving. Caprese coming soon.

28. My snoozer body pillow.

29. Getting another day and another chance to live with purpose.

30. That there are 30 things I’m thankful for in my life right now.