VernetteOutLoud

Devastated

I am devastated.

The little person I have loved since the first moment I knew of his existence and was so excited to meet and prayed for and waited 29 weeks in joyful hope for, was born and returned to God just after 9:00 p.m. on Monday 10th June, 2013.

When my brother called to say that my sister-in-law was in labour, my sister and I wasted no time getting to the hospital. I remember our excited conversation on the car ride there. We went through the gamut of emotions as we waited with his grandparents, excitement, wonder and just plain happiness for our family. FINALLY! It was happening.

Then heartbroken when we heard the news, ‘Baby didn’t make it.’

We removed the baby bag we had with us then. The bag filled with items so lovingly bought for him. Then we waited patiently to meet him.

He was small, just over two pounds. He had a full head of hair. ‘Ten fingers, ten toes and one nose’ as my sister lovingly said. He looked like my brother. He was perfect. We held him. We prayed. We cried. We took photos and we have his footprints…treasures that will be forever cherished.

All week, I have been waking up having to remind myself that yes, it did happen. And the sad thing is I am his aunt. I cannot begin to imagine what my sister-in-law is feeling.

I remember my cousins and I were liming a few months ago and we were all talking about whether we wanted a boy or a girl, as if we had a say…I wanted a nephew. I remember saying I wanted a nephew because my brother is a good man and he is going to be an even better Dad and I wanted my kids to have an older cousin who would be loving towards them the way I know my brother will raise his sons to be. I remember saying we need more men like my brother in our family.

I mourn for the chance to shower this child with all the love I still have overflowing for him. When we say goodbye, it will be more than just that final funeral goodbye. It will be goodbye to the adventure of watching him grow, feeding him, telling him about his grandmother and the ‘sweet’ names we imagine she would have called him. Goodbye to the toddler, teenager, big brother, loving cousin and adult we imagined him to grow up be over the last 29 weeks. We will say goodbye to the potential of this baby boy so loved by all of us.

I am so proud of my brother and sister-in-law. Throughout all of this, they have maintained that God is in charge. And while I needed a minute or 10 to be angry at God and ask Him why everything in our lives must be so hard, losing mummy and now Luke…I know He understands my anger and sadness.

I know we cannot change what has happened. I trust that God is in charge and while I may not understand why this has happened now, I will accept it…eventually.

John Green said, “A short life can be a good life.” I now understand this on a whole new level.

Luke has left us with a great legacy: our love for each other has only grown stronger, he has brought our family closer together, having him be part of our journey for the short time that we did, put things in perspective for us; we all know what is really important.

We will speak about Luke. We will tell our future children about him. We will continue to love him, because he was real and he will always be part of our family.

Red Circle Days

book cover

Red Circle Days
by Leah Vidal

My rating* – 5

There are moments in our lives that are imprinted into our very soul. Moments that don’t require a photo album or memory book for us to revisit them time and time again. Some may bring to life the very feelings of sheer happiness they brought the day we experienced them. Others bring the heart wrenching sorrow we spend years trying to erase.

These are moments that don’t need a reminder or a red circle on a calendar date, our hearts wrapping around them much like the tiny box on a calendar, keeping them contained only to bring them to the surface each year. Red Circle Days is a collection of those moments that I will forever carry with me, thought-provoking moments and stories which have left an indelible imprint on my very soul. – Book Description courtesy Amazon

When Stephanie over at When Crazy Meets Exhaustion wrote her review on Red Circle Days I knew it was a book I wanted to read…and soon.

So said, so done. I downloaded it in a matter of days.

As promised, this book was a thought-provoking, quick read and I know I will be going back to some of my favourite chapters often. Leah shares with us, moments in time throughout her life, in a series of short essays. With themes like, Family, Love, Coming of Age, Friendship and Death of loved ones these essays are intensely personal, but are common to all of us. This was something I really loved about this book. The fact that through her stories, I could relate them to my own life and some of the experiences I have had along the way was awesome!

My favourite chapter was “All grown up”; Leah shared the moment she knew she had stepped through the gateway to adulthood. Her story hit close to home for me. My mom was dying of Ovarian Cancer and despite my cousin’s urging me to maybe consider a hospice, I knew where she would want to be when that time came and I was determined so fulfill that wish.

In “Counting blessings, counting sheep..” she shares how a moment of desperation resulted in a serendipitous discovery in the blessings department. It is a definite must read! And hey…the lady likes Walking Dead – gotta love her!

At the end of each chapter, she poses a question for the reader to consider. Thinking about those questions and coming up with answers was like a walk down memory lane and this made the book even more special to me. I definitely want my Book Club to read and discuss this gem of a book. I want everyone I know to read it. We all have our own red circle days and I thank Leah for this poignant reminder that it is good for the soul to remember and celebrate them. Always.

Leah blogs over at Little Miss Wordy go check her out!

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*my personal quality ratings are the scores I give books on a scale of 0-5 based on my personal opinion of a book. 0 is “birdcage liner” and 5 is “off-the-hook good”

Alone vs Lonely

A close friend asked me if I am lonely these days and her question made me stop and think.

Am I lonely?

Lonely is pining for something you once had, or being upset that you’re cooking for one or that you eat alone every day. Lonely is not being open to adventure because what’s the point when there is no plus one to share it with. Lonely is lack…a need for something that is missing. Lonely is incomplete-ness.

Alone is a choice.

Yes I suck at dating, but it’s not why I choose to be alone at this time.

My heart has taken a couple major hits and I felt used and discarded and then discarded some more, like I was nothing. I felt like in some ways I sat back and willingly let my time be stolen. The investment I made with all of me…was mocked. Frankly, when it comes to men…I’m just never right. I’ve only ever chosen ones who didn’t choose me.

So I need some healing up time. I need to give myself some much-needed TLC. I want this time to just be still in this moment. I want to re-discover who I am and what makes me happy. I’m also learning forgiveness and acceptance.

I know this path I’m on feels right with my soul. I’m learning how to walk comfortably in my own shoes…perhaps for the first time.

I want a Love that satisfies my soul. I want a Love that lights all my “dark” corners. I want a Love that is passionate and I want to not be afraid of that passion. I want to be able to recognize Love when it shows up and be able to cherish it minus baggage when it stays. I want to be whole and healed when Love chooses me. And I feel like this “Alone” time is the bridge to that. I want to be present to this experience of healing because this journey is what will get me from here…to there.

Alone has been an adventure thus far. I am blessed with a cohort of truly awesome friends and a not-so-perfect-and-that’s-just-why-I-love-them family. My nephew will be born soon and I am looking forward to basking in his light. It’s a testament to my state of mind that up until this question made me think about lonely, I never felt like something was missing. I am expanding in my fullness and alone I am becoming more centered…alive…overflowing with Love.

At peace.

At peace.

Am I Lonely? No.

I am powerful.

I am happy.

I am free.

I am enough.

The Fault In Our Stars

The Fault In our Stars

The Fault In our Stars


The Fault in our Stars
by John Green

My rating* – 3.9

This review contains spoilers.

Diagnosed with Stage IV thyroid cancer at 13, Hazel was prepared to die until, at 14, a medical miracle shrunk the tumours in her lungs… for now.

Two years post-miracle, sixteen-year-old Hazel is post-everything else, too; post-high school, post-friends and post-normalcy. And even though she could live for a long time (whatever that means), Hazel lives tethered to an oxygen tank, the tumours tenuously kept at bay with a constant chemical assault.

Enter Augustus Waters. A match made at cancer kid support group, Augustus is gorgeous, in remission, and shockingly to her, interested in Hazel. Being with Augustus is both an unexpected destination and a long-needed journey, pushing Hazel to re-examine how sickness and health, life and death, will define her and the legacy that everyone leaves behind.-Book Description courtesy GoodReads

When I realised the book was “a cancer book that was not a bullshit cancer book” I had to steel myself against all that I knew was going to come.

Many times during this book, I thought: Who is John Green and why does he think he can write a book like this? What authority does he have on this particular subject matter? And why use children with cancer? What’s his end game really?

There were times I felt like I was reading “A walk to Remember” if it were written by Diablo Cody. Gus and Hazel are teenagers but they don’t behave like teenagers. They act and speak like John Green. The supporting cast: parents, friends etal…all act and speak like John Green.

Thankfully, John Green is cool in his own nerdy, witty way. But let me warn you now, if you are planning on reading this book, make sure to have Google near at hand. When I say Green is a nerd…I kid you not. He expects you to know what a harmartia is or Zeno’s Tortoise Paradox. I felt like I was getting a vocabulary lesson, and when I thought about it, this is a good thing since this is a book for young adults. They could learn something reading this book. I certainly did.

I gave this book an almost 4, because it was better than ok, but not the best book ever. I liked that he made the distinction between a “cancer story” and “your story” because there is a huge difference. I also really identified with Hazel’s mother as care-giver. We the Care-givers have a really tough job and often don’t get the chance to really own what we are feeling. No matter how devastated you are, you are not the one with cancer. You are not the one who is dying. We have to put it all aside for our loved ones.

My favourite lines are:

    What a slut time is. She screws everybody.

    I’m in love with you, and I’m not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things

    That’s the thing about pain…it demands to be felt

    Grief does not change you. It reveals you.

What I didn’t like about the book, is what I liked about the book. It was pretty bittersweet because it was a sharp reminder of my own experiences with cancer. This tells me, that this is an adult story being played out by teenagers. Green also claims that it is “not a cancer book” ..but it so is. The whole draining of Hazel’s lungs (a side effect of the drug/cancer) was way too close to home for me. Green described the whole process in detail. This happened with my mother, we had to drain her lungs regularly. And it was one of the first indications that her cancer was back. The parts where Gus planned his funeral and then he had Hazel and Isaac write and share their eulogies…my mother planned her funeral down to the clothes she wanted us to wear (she wanted us all in white). At this point, I was back to thinking…what gives him the right?

It is a tear-jerker, but a lot of my tears had to do with some very adult questions these teen characters were pondering and I was thinking about them in the context of my mother and what she must have been feeling and thinking and asking herself.

Oh and there is teenage sex.

This book explores some pretty heavy stuff – love, death and living a life worth living. At the end of our lives, no matter how much time we had, we all want to know that it was worth it…our choices were worth it. Green’s end game? “A short life, can be a good life.”

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*my personal quality ratings are the scores I give books on a scale of 0-5 based on my personal opinion of a book. 0 is “birdcage liner” and 5 is “off-the-hook good”

What does Love look like?

1 Corinthians 13:4

1 Corinthians 13:4

Love is more than “the One”.

Love will not read my mind nor will Love finish my sentences.

Love breaks down my walls and exposes the parts of me that are in need of growth.

Love challenges me to grow, it pushes me beyond your limits.

Love is showing up for the challenge.

Love is self-awareness.

Love moves me toward transformation and causes me to evolve.

Love is a blaze of passion that never goes out, though it may burn slow and low…red hot glowing embers quickly ignite with an intentional spark.

Love is soul fire.

Love has no end; thus, my relationships are divine appointments that will teach me about myself when I am open to the lessons. They won’t last forever.