Photo by: Kristina Flour, Unsplash

Secret Single Behaviour

Shhhh….We all have a side of ourselves that we don’t want others to see…where “others” in this instance, refers to anybody you’ve ever dated or are currently dating. Carrie Bradshaw called it her SSB or Secret Single Behavior. She would stack saltines, put grape jelly on them and then she would eat them standing up in her kitchen, all while reading the latest issue of Vogue. 

For me, however, I suck at dating! I even “caught” the bouquet at my cousin’s wedding last July and still….nothing. So my SSB has become pretty much my way of life. And I’m not sure that that is such a bad thing. I am learning that the more I settle into my me-ness or rather the little idiosyncrasies I’ve developed over my thirty*cough* years on this earth, the happier I am becoming.

All The Single Ladies

Can you relate? Do you have any SSB? Okay, I’ll go first and share a bit about my own SSB — I am addicted to Bejeweled Blitz and when I get home from work, I play a game or five to decompress from the work day. I take a special pleasure in being top of the leader board. And I cheer for my own damn self when I do it too.

And sometimes when I cook, I eat the meal straight out of whatever pot I cooked it in…because less dishes to wash. No shame in my less-dishes-to-wash game. And if I am doing laundry, you better believe that everything goes in the wash, including whatever I am wearing at the time.

Yep, that means walking around naked until the laundry is done. Easy to do when you’re doing said walking in the apartment you are paying for with your own money. A quick win that is twofold – one chore less on my to-do list and no clothes in the basket to wash.

Hey, another thing I’ve learned in this time alone is how to laugh at myself. Seriously…who writes about their secret single behaviour and thus, renders their behaviour not-so-secret anymore?

Now it’s your turn to spill some tea:What’s your SSB? Please share in the comments below and I promise no judgement. 

I’ve been on three dates in the last year and five months. Yup, I know…clearly I don’t care about ticking biological clocks as someone indignantly said to me recently.

It didn’t help that I laughed in their face either. I’m at the age my mother was when she had me…and I’m the eldest. So I’m not worried folks, no need to be on my behalf. OKAY?

Right…so why do I suck at dating?

I don’t date. Ergo, I lack the skill set required or rather, I never developed the skills required to navigate these interviews for *cough* sex.

I’m lazy – I’d much rather stay at home snuggled up in my comfy bed, watching Netflix or reading a book than getting dressed up to go out with some guy and to then watch the same movie only with popcorn involved. Oh the effort!

Ugh. Small talk. I am not good at it. I will tell you pretty much everything about my day with one “how was your day”… then the guy goes all MEGO on me (you know…My Eyes Glaze Over) and I’m left thinking I’m so gauche. Awkward silence follows.

Then there is the “Oh my God…what the hell do I wear?” Too casual and I don’t care enough…dressed up…and I care too much. Where are we going? What’s appropriate? Why did I agree to this? Is it too late to cancel? Maybe. How interested am I? How much effort should I put into this outfit? Grrrr…. This line of questioning almost always brings me to…geez Vernette you need new clothes! To which, lazy Vernette whispers “you wouldn’t need new clothes if you were staying at home with your body pillow and Netflix…who BOTH love you just as you are in underwear even!” Lazy Vernette wins. Every.Single.Time.

Men People are stupid. I’m the chick who will be “set-up” on a date with a guy because we both like hiking. Then the guy is mostly silent for the duration of the “date” not even to talk about this fantastic thing that made my friend think this would be a match made in heaven. However, at the end of the night…says some crap like he’s the strong, silent type and I’m all…hmmph too late buddy! I’m already so bored and my body pillow is waiting. I mean…really? This is what I showered and used my Victoria Secret lotion for? True story by the way.

Best Behaviour Business. Have you ever been on a “first date” and felt like you were holding in a gargantuan fart the whole time? No? Just me then? Shee-it! Okay. I really do suck at this.

Holding in a fart? Most probably!

Holding in a fart? Most probably!

This post was originally published on May 18th, 2013.
Vernette still sucks at dating
but she has decided it is in her best interest…
that she farts freely going forward.