VernetteOutLoud

Day 11 – The gift for Forgiveness

It’s amazing what sleep does for the body. After my visit to the home for the aged, I came home and slept for almost 6 hours straight. Got up for about an hour and then went right back to sleep. I woke up this morning refreshed and feeling much better than I have in ages. My body really needed some rest.

Today’s affirmation:

Today I give and forgive.

This theme has been recurring all around me for last few days or so. Forgiveness. Grief. Letting Go. Moving on.

Now, when I started this 29-day journey, I had hoped each day, the opportunity to give a gift would present itself naturally, that I’d just know in my heart and spirit what felt right as that day’s gift. Today, however, I am home, the TV is on. I have no idea what or how the opportunity for a gift will present itself. But today is a special day.

One of my god-son’s (I have 3) is celebrating his birthday. My friends all know how much I love birthdays. I think that our presence here on this earth is indeed a present and another year of life should be celebrated. God chose this time in our history to bless this earth with your story…it is a very big deal. So to not be able to celebrate this milestone with him (he’s now a whole hand) hurts on a level I cannot explain. You see his mother and I are no longer friends.

Now some may say this should not affect the child. And I agree. It does not affect the love I have for him. However, I do know that I can love him from afar. It was a difficult decision, one that was in the making over the course of two years. There comes a time though, when we have to take stock of our friendships and take back our power in love. Some friendships drag you down and drain your energy. We hold on anyway because of loyalty, I refuse to say love, because caring about someone is not about martyrdom. Let go we must, for our own growth. This is not an easy thing to do especially with friendships that span years and bonds that are sometimes stronger than family.

I knew how I chose to deal with today, would determine if I’m truly done with this friendship. I chose not to call or message. Instead I chose to light a candle, say a prayer and wish my god-son all the light and love I could. Forgiveness can only happen through grieving and letting go. I have forgiven my friend for not valuing our friendship. I had a lot of grief about how things went down. But I know today started the letting go process. I’m not going to judge her process. I’m going to let the past be the past. We both have some growing to do and I will only do what I can with what I can control. How I react to things.

One day I hope I will have the chance to explain to my godson why I chose to deal with this the way I did. I pray that he understands and forgives me.

Day 10 – The gift of Time

Today’s affirmation:

Today I give with love

As a child, I would visit local nursing homes with my church choir around Christmas time. We’d go sing carols and bring gifts and while I was happy being a part of the choir. I never really understood why and how people could make the decision to leave a loved one in the care of strangers. Back then, it was something to do. I havent visited an old aged home in at least 20 years. My office, sent out a request this week, for volunteers to visit one in San Fernando. I immediately said yes.

Somehow, visiting as an adult was different. During the intervening years between singing Christmas carols with the church group and now, I’ve had personal experiences with death and of course my own aging, but today felt so different. There was a compassion, I never felt before.

The St Vincent De Paul Home for the Aged San Fernando was founded in 1930, the foundation stone was laid by the Archbishop of Port of Spain on lands donated by Ste. Madeline Sugar Company Ltd. situated at the Corner of Ruth and Independence Avenues, San Fernando. The home currently has about fifty residents.

When we got there, I felt a little uncertain about what to expect. My experience with children’s homes has taught me that 1 visit can make me feel guilty. Guilt, because I know that the children crave love and attention and 1 visit is just that…So I wasnt sure that this experience wouldn’t cause the same feelings to arise. The residents of old aged homes, yearn for the same love and attention, more so at this time in their journey but unfortunately, at this age some people think they need it less.

We got there around 3:00 p.m. so that gave us about an hour since they have dinner at 4. I sat and I looked at a cricket match on the TV with 3 of the male residents for a while. West Indies are playing New Zealand. New Zealand is batting. I didn’t think words were necessary. Men and sports, no matter the age, they are loud and they know everything about what’s going on.

Then it seemed the residents were all moving towards the dining room for dinner. So I sat at a table with the owner of the hand in my photo. Ms Rampersad is such a sweetheart. We got to talking, when I asked how old she was, she said it’s been so long she couldn’t remember. The matron told me she is 97.

The oldest resident will be 100 in December. Margaret Mitchell was born on 21st December, 1912. Her only complaint is that she couldn’t hear very well. She doesn’t have any kids. Her advice, “work hard and don’t depend on no man for anything.”

The daughter of one resident was visiting her mother while we were there and her mother insisted she wanted to go home. That had me a little emotional. I miss my own mother so much. It will be 2 yrs on August 7 that she has moved on and I miss her everyday.

There were some truly funny moments and some awe-inspiring ones. I feel guilt, because I’m not sure when I’ll be back and even when I do return…who will still be there? I feel compassion for the residents who are there and for the loved ones who had to make the decision to leave them there. Good care at this delicate time in the lives of these residents is paramount and caregivers are often take for granted. Yes they are paid staff, but how many people remember them in their prayers? I feel happy that despite the rain today, I made the journey. I feel relieved that my mother never had to go through that experience. Down to the end, a cousin of mine tried to convince me that maybe we should consider a hospice. I would have died before that happened. My sister and I took care of her instead.

Today’s gift is time. 45 mins spent with the residents of the St Vincent De Paul Home for the Aged. The residents and I have that in common, the gift that is time. I chose to share mine with them today. For me, it is priceless.

Day 9 – The gift of Gratitude

Saying “Thank You” is important.

Today’s affirmation:

Today I give with gratitude.

Yesterday, I decided what today’s gift was gonna be. After giving blood at our local Blood Bank, I decided to walk from Charlotte Street back to my office, which is four blocks over and then four blocks up.

I can already hear the tsk tsks, and the didn’t you know betters but in my defense, I’ve done this before, ran away at lunch time, gave blood and then walked back to the office and was perfectly fine.

However, it was different this time. VERY different!

On the way down the street, I stopped by an Avocado vendor, bought one (my sister requested that I come up with an Avocado Smoothie just for her)…all the while thinking, you’re feeling kinda queasy, Vernette.

But I shrugged it off, thinking the office wasn’t that far away. I could make it. Then this homeless guy stopped me, begging for something to eat. I couldn’t pass him…because the heat was getting to me too. So I stopped in at a mini-mart and got him something to drink. Maybe I should have gotten something for myself as well but I foolishly stoically continued walking in the heat which was now beginning to stifle me.

By the time I got to Pennywise (a local one-stop to get all your personal care items) which is one block down, I was feeling light-headed and seeing spots. There was a roaring in my head and I could tell a black-out was coming on. I quickly told the one of the cashiers that I needed to sit because I was about to black-out. I think they saw my panic and chalky look and immediately went into action.

The staff really took good care of me. They didn’t waste any time, they found me a seat behind the counter and brought me some Limacol (a soothing astringent). Two of them fanned me continuously, because cold sweats were taking over. I’m so grateful for all that care. I was in real danger of this happening in the street and it would not have ended this way at all.

I cannot help but feel thankful, grateful, humbled by the thought, that maybe some of the love I sent out into the universe during the last week was coming back to me in this moment, when I truly needed help. When my friend asked for a blood donation yesterday, I was quick to thank God and the universe for sending me a creative way to give a gift. And now I say thank you again to God and the universe for blessing me with compassionate strangers who didn’t hesitate to help me.

To the Staff at Pennywise Cosmetics on Charlotte St, thank you for your compassion and kindness. Especially to Hema Cassie, who really went out of her way, during one of their busiest periods in the store to ensure that I was ok. Hema and another one of her co-workers fanned me, talked to me during the ordeal and made sure I stayed alert, she called my sister and waited with me, until a Chauffeur from the office came to get me. A million times thank you. Today, my gift is a small token of gratitude for their kindness and compassion. I am sending a card to the staff and flowers especially to Hema.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Day 8 – The gift of life

Today’s affirmation:

Today I give with creativity.

I chose today’s affirmation, because I wanted to think outside the box with regard to what to give.

Be careful what you ask for.

I got a bbm message from a friend of a friend, asking for a blood donation for another friend. I didn’t know the guy, but I knew the friend and I decided that today’s gift would be the donation of blood.

Now I absolutely hate the actual process of being stuck with the needle. I hate needles! It’s an exercise in strength every time I give blood. 10 years in, I still have to look away, when the needle goes in. I think about happy things, practice some Yoga breathing; anything to get my mind off of the needle going into my arm.

Like I said I’ve been a donor for a decade, and yes I have blood in the “bank” and could just simply make a withdrawal. But, I prefer to keep what’s inside already for my immediate family and close friends. If someone I don’t know needs blood, as long as I can give it, I prefer to make the actual donation.

So today, I went up to the Blood Bank, located on Charlotte Street which is about four blocks away from my office. The walk, got my blood pumping, by the time I was finished with the preliminary assessments, I was more than ready to go.

And then it was time. Look away Vernette. Deep breath in. Hold for 3 counts, exhale for 3 counts. Deep breath in…yup the needle is in. Hold for a count of 3, Exhale for 3. Remember to squeeze the squishy ball, every 10 secs or so.

My inner dialogue was interrupted by a nurse sitting next to me. We got to talking; I think she struck up a convo initially to get my mind off of what was happening. Yes people, I don’t keep it a secret that the whole thing is an ordeal for me. So, I began sharing with her my 29-gift journey. Explaining to her how it all started and how my journey led me to the Blood Bank today. She asked, eventually for my blog address, and I do hope if she remembers to look for it, that she reads this and is inspired to do her own 29-gifts.

The gift of life…sounds so dramatic, but blood really is our life source. And I am humbled that on the day I asked the Universe for some creative “help” in giving, that what came my way, was giving of self in the most personal yet creative way possible.

Day 7 – The gift of "Me time"

Today’s affirmation:

Today I give from the heart.

It’s been an emotional few days. Not only are my hormones out of whack naturally, but there have been some upheavals at the office as well. I can’t seem to focus on what’s going on and I keep getting up late for work. I’m really beginning to feel run down. There is a part of me that even doubts this 29-gift journey will make a difference. Seven days in and the fact that I’m still turning my eyes outward is frustrating me.

I know that the exhaustion I feel is more than physical. It’s emotional. It’s mental too because my brain has been going 5 miles a minute. In my heart of hearts, I know I’d much rather be doing something else and that thought drags me down so much. What’s the point if we’re simply getting by and not living the life of our heart right? Yes, I have a plan and I’m working that plan, but this “in-between” time can be draining.

I’ve been faithful to gym, eating better and drinking more water. I’ve stuck to the goals I set for myself daily. But I’ve fallen short on my commitment to get more sleep. I’ve always had trouble sleeping and I try to get at least 5 hrs a night. But lately I need more that.

So today’s gift, is some much needed Vernette time. I need to give some “luv-ups” to myself. I skipped the gym, got home early for once, lit some candles and had a nice warm bath. I didn’t turn on the TV and quickly posted the last two “Days”. I made sure to turn the laptop off immediately. Then I made a nice, big, mug of hot chocolate and went to bed.

I’m gonna read Tying Rocks to Clouds by William Elliot until I fall asleep.

How do you spend your “me time”?