VernetteOutLoud

Fathers & Daughters

Father’s Day…Geez! Always brings up the ‘daddy issues’…well at least for me.

Fathers are the first and often the most important men in our lives. Whether we grew up with or without them, whether they were emotionally available or distant, they provided us with more than DNA.

Their view of the world most often became our view of the world, the way they felt about us, often became the way we felt about ourselves. Our worlds are largely moulded consciously or not by our mothers’ men. By our Daddies. Our Papas. Our Pops.

There are men with kids and then there are FATHERS – men who cherish the blessings they helped God create. Today we celebrate these men: Daddies, god-fathers and father figures. As long as I’ve known myself, this has been just another Sunday only with an elephant in the room. Long story short: My father was not around. This year though was supposed to be different. This year we were supposed to be celebrating my brother…but God had other plans. And so now, I cannot help thinking about the man who was absent for most of our lives. You know it doesn’t matter how old you get, your mother is always going to be your mother…your father on the other hand…

Oh, you see that skin?
It’s the same she’s been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she’s left
Cleaning up the mess he made
– John Mayer

Funny how things change with time and yet a lot remains the same. As I’ve matured, I have changed my mind and opinions and my way of doing things yet the feelings for and about my father remain. I wonder what was it exactly that made him leave. I asked my mother about it once and all she could offer at the time was that he had changed. In my quiet moments, I’ve often wondered, what was it that caused the change. Was he just not ready to have another child far less three? Did he not think us worth being around for?

And right there folks…is the rub of it all. Did he not think us worth being around for? Vernette-speak for “I wasn’t worth the effort.”

There are times I feel like I want answers to my questions but I tell myself that those answers may never come.Even now, does he never wonder about the three children now grown-ups he left behind? After many attempts to find/get in touch with my father it seems he does not wish to be found. I have to make peace with that. I have to forgive and let him go.

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
– John Mayer

Scary, because I think sometimes I might make the same mistakes he did…not the leaving the father of my children with three babies to take care of part…but the cowardice of the act itself. I don’t want to be a coward. I don’t want to be someone who runs away from a blessing because I’m scared.

I’m past the age of wanting a ‘daddy’…ok a sugar daddy maybe but um…that’s another post for poorer times. I try to think about this from his point of view: Maybe he was scared, maybe he wasn’t ready for more children…maybe him not being around was a blessing in itself. What if he was there and that turned out to be worse than an absent father?

My journey has been what it has been thus far. I had a mother who did her absolute best to raise us. I never felt the ‘lack’ of a father…not really. She loved us enough for two parents. I wouldn’t change that. I do hope to meet him someday and maybe have some coffee and chat but who knows what the future holds. What I do know though, is that I will take my time and make the best possible choice when I choose the daddy for the children I want to have someday.

Devastated

I am devastated.

The little person I have loved since the first moment I knew of his existence and was so excited to meet and prayed for and waited 29 weeks in joyful hope for, was born and returned to God just after 9:00 p.m. on Monday 10th June, 2013.

When my brother called to say that my sister-in-law was in labour, my sister and I wasted no time getting to the hospital. I remember our excited conversation on the car ride there. We went through the gamut of emotions as we waited with his grandparents, excitement, wonder and just plain happiness for our family. FINALLY! It was happening.

Then heartbroken when we heard the news, ‘Baby didn’t make it.’

We removed the baby bag we had with us then. The bag filled with items so lovingly bought for him. Then we waited patiently to meet him.

He was small, just over two pounds. He had a full head of hair. ‘Ten fingers, ten toes and one nose’ as my sister lovingly said. He looked like my brother. He was perfect. We held him. We prayed. We cried. We took photos and we have his footprints…treasures that will be forever cherished.

All week, I have been waking up having to remind myself that yes, it did happen. And the sad thing is I am his aunt. I cannot begin to imagine what my sister-in-law is feeling.

I remember my cousins and I were liming a few months ago and we were all talking about whether we wanted a boy or a girl, as if we had a say…I wanted a nephew. I remember saying I wanted a nephew because my brother is a good man and he is going to be an even better Dad and I wanted my kids to have an older cousin who would be loving towards them the way I know my brother will raise his sons to be. I remember saying we need more men like my brother in our family.

I mourn for the chance to shower this child with all the love I still have overflowing for him. When we say goodbye, it will be more than just that final funeral goodbye. It will be goodbye to the adventure of watching him grow, feeding him, telling him about his grandmother and the ‘sweet’ names we imagine she would have called him. Goodbye to the toddler, teenager, big brother, loving cousin and adult we imagined him to grow up be over the last 29 weeks. We will say goodbye to the potential of this baby boy so loved by all of us.

I am so proud of my brother and sister-in-law. Throughout all of this, they have maintained that God is in charge. And while I needed a minute or 10 to be angry at God and ask Him why everything in our lives must be so hard, losing mummy and now Luke…I know He understands my anger and sadness.

I know we cannot change what has happened. I trust that God is in charge and while I may not understand why this has happened now, I will accept it…eventually.

John Green said, “A short life can be a good life.” I now understand this on a whole new level.

Luke has left us with a great legacy: our love for each other has only grown stronger, he has brought our family closer together, having him be part of our journey for the short time that we did, put things in perspective for us; we all know what is really important.

We will speak about Luke. We will tell our future children about him. We will continue to love him, because he was real and he will always be part of our family.

Theme Thursday: I wish…

There are some pretty creative people in this world…you just have to take one look at my Pinterest Board: Why didn’t I think of that to get a good idea of just how creative.

Yet…with so many people drinking from the font of creativity…NOBODY has come up with the LAUNDRY MASTER 3000. A machine I envision to be so efficient that you put in a load of laundry, turn a dial and a whole uninterrupted episode of True Blood later, a buzzer goes off and you open the door to find your clothes all nice and clean….AND FOLDED!!!

OR

We have slow cookers….why can’t we have a slow washer/dryer/folder, which does everything listed above only it takes a bit longer. I can see me now: Just before bed I load up the LAUNDRY MASTER 3000 in all it’s “high-efficiency” glory, turn off the lights and turn in for the night. Hours of blissful sleep later, an alarm goes off (my phone alarm) I pray, have breakfast and then check on the wash. It’s all fresh and folded, just waiting to be put away.

I live in the Caribbean and mosquitoes are something we have to contend with…daily. I wish some brilliant scientist, could get the funding to genetically enhance these blood-suckers so that they morph into FAT-suckers minus the diseases they are responsible for.

Hmmm those are my wishes…clean, folded clothes at the push of a button and little fat-suckers.

Get on it somebody!

Please and Thanks.

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I’m participating in Jenn’s Theme Thursday challenge: Things I wish somebody would invent
Theme Thursday Logo

Please feel free to add your own “Wishes” below!

You can check out other cool entries or submit your own at HERE!

Weekly Photo Challenge: Signs

Here lies...

Here lies…

Live good & Love hard

I witnessed a drowning yesterday.

It happened so quickly.

The frantic resuscitation attempts.

The Panic. The Fear. The Utter Helplessness.

The Hope. The Anger. The dull ache in my tummy.

The tears I shed for someone I did not know.

The sick feeling I still cannot shake.

My heart and prayers go out to the family and friends who now have to move on from this tragedy.

I wonder: had any of us on the beach early yesterday morning done any one thing differently, would this have still happened?

Life is what it is – a series of intersecting lives and incidents, out of anyone’s control…– Benjamin Button

Out of anyone’s control?

I struggled to find the words to express all that I’m feeling right now. I still didn’t get it right. But what I want to say is that we so often take “time” for granted…but for every one of us it is FINITE! It WILL end and it can happen in an instant.

Just Live GOOD and LOVE HARD! Make this journey worth it – that much you can control.