VernetteOutLoud

Alone vs Lonely

A close friend asked me if I am lonely these days and her question made me stop and think.

Am I lonely?

Lonely is pining for something you once had, or being upset that you’re cooking for one or that you eat alone every day. Lonely is not being open to adventure because what’s the point when there is no plus one to share it with. Lonely is lack…a need for something that is missing. Lonely is incomplete-ness.

Alone is a choice.

Yes I suck at dating, but it’s not why I choose to be alone at this time.

My heart has taken a couple major hits and I felt used and discarded and then discarded some more, like I was nothing. I felt like in some ways I sat back and willingly let my time be stolen. The investment I made with all of me…was mocked. Frankly, when it comes to men…I’m just never right. I’ve only ever chosen ones who didn’t choose me.

So I need some healing up time. I need to give myself some much-needed TLC. I want this time to just be still in this moment. I want to re-discover who I am and what makes me happy. I’m also learning forgiveness and acceptance.

I know this path I’m on feels right with my soul. I’m learning how to walk comfortably in my own shoes…perhaps for the first time.

I want a Love that satisfies my soul. I want a Love that lights all my “dark” corners. I want a Love that is passionate and I want to not be afraid of that passion. I want to be able to recognize Love when it shows up and be able to cherish it minus baggage when it stays. I want to be whole and healed when Love chooses me. And I feel like this “Alone” time is the bridge to that. I want to be present to this experience of healing because this journey is what will get me from here…to there.

Alone has been an adventure thus far. I am blessed with a cohort of truly awesome friends and a not-so-perfect-and-that’s-just-why-I-love-them family. My nephew will be born soon and I am looking forward to basking in his light. It’s a testament to my state of mind that up until this question made me think about lonely, I never felt like something was missing. I am expanding in my fullness and alone I am becoming more centered…alive…overflowing with Love.

At peace.

At peace.

Am I Lonely? No.

I am powerful.

I am happy.

I am free.

I am enough.

V is for…

V is for...

V is for…

    V is for vitality, I have an insatiable lust for living (out loud?).
    E is for excellence, my passion, my drive.
    R is for romp, because we’re here to have as much fun as we can!
    N is for not very nice at times, something I’m working on.
    E is for endurance, no matter the obstacles, I will keep moving toward my goals.
    T is for thankful, blessings flow all around me, I must acknowledge them. Always.
    T is for treasure, I am a child of God. I am His treasure.
    E is for enrich, a quality I strive to cultivate and share because everyone who joins me on this journey, be it for 5 secs or a lifetime, should be touched by my light and my love.

VERNETTE!

My friends call me Verns, Vern…and the ever popular Vee. The one I miss the most is the version my mother used: Vernaville. Boy she loved a “sweet name” for us.

My namesake was a highschool friend of one of my aunts and my mother always liked the name. The runner-up was Tanya. I used to look at myself in the mirror growing up and wondered about being a Tanya. It rolled off the tongue quite nicely….so nicely that it was the “fake” name I gave out to guys I didn’t care to know beyond the introduction. But fake names aside, I always came back to the thought that if I had to choose any name, I would always choose Vernette.

It’s uncommon. It’s rare. It means bearer of victory. See…it’s anything but ordinary…just like me.

So…there you have it. I really enjoyed today’s writing prompt. Please click on this link to read some really cool entries.

Trifextra Challenge: I Confess

I loved you while I could, as best as I could…with all I could.

Thank you for you when I had you.

Good luck and Goodbye.

p.s. Despite everything, I love you still.

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I’m participating in Trifecta’s Trifextra Challenge for this weekend:
Trifecta Writing Challenge

“This weekend we are asking for a thirty-three word confession. You’re free to write non-fiction or fiction or to blur the lines in between. We just encourage you to get creative and give us your best.”

You can check out others’ entries or submit your own at:

Trifextra: Week Sixty-Nine

Please feel free to share your own “Confession” below.

Tiki Time-Out

Wannabe Kit Kat

Wannabe Kit Kat

A ‘Tiki time-out’ is the distant Trini cousin to a ‘Kit Kat break’ and I was in need of a serious time out. I needed some time to get a hold of myself, hence, the silence on the blog. May is a tough time for me, my mother’s birthday into Mother’s Day is always a sharp reminder that May 2010 was the last happy times we shared. Facing the agony of this loss is hard and I’m broken.

No control

My brother says I’m a verb. I’m a doer. And gosh I like being in control of everything. Yeah some people say it makes me pretty overbearing and others say bossy but having control or rather the illusion of control keeps me grounded. I can breathe easier.

So imagine this thing happens to me…my family and my whole life is changed forever, something I have no control over. Then the loss, the sadness, the dull constant ache that does not go away, no matter how hard I may be laughing in any given moment is always lurking on the edge of everything…just waiting to swallow me up.

To the person who said, grief comes in waves. I say BULLeffingSHIT.

This is not a wave. I’m caught up in a tsunami and I have no control.

Everything is bittersweet. There are significant milestones happening in our lives and while I am happy in the moment…there is always a fuzzy dreamlike quality to that emotion.

Guilt

Because I should put on my big girl panties and be ‘normal’ by now right? I don’t want to keep pushing my loss in everyone’s face, or feel ashamed that there is a lump in my throat and I have to fight back tears if I allow myself to think too long about anything concerning my mother. I don’t want to keep harping on it or feel like I’m boring everyone with my grief process. I don’t want to feel judged or hear about what might be the ‘best’ way to deal with this. THIS IS NOT NORMAL! What is too much or too little when it comes to grief and letting go? And, honestly, I don’t know if the people around me can tolerate me when I’m like this…because life goes on…for everybody else.

Time Out

So I checked out for a bit. I needed to own and honor what I was feeling. And guess what? The sadness swallowed me up. I was unable to wish my own friends a ‘happy mother’s day’. I was so caught up in me. I am an orphan now you know.

I thought about my mother and my experiences with her. I remember when she talked about the first moment she felt like a mummy. It was after she got home from the hospital and the ‘welcome home’ party had gone to their homes. It was just the two of us. She said she looked at me and she knew that she would never be the same. I was a C-Sec baby so I never got the “I was in labor for hours and hours talk’. In fact my mother never used her labor as a guilt trip on any of us.

My mum had four kids. There was a baby before me but he died at birth. She called him Elliot and never forgot him. We three though, she spoiled. She gave me the freedom to make my own mistakes whether she approved of my actions or not. She gave me her undivided attention and unconditional love. I watched her face her cancer and fight for her life. And when the time came, I watched her say her goodbyes with grace. I, on the other hand, I don’t know how to let go…yet.

Peace

There are no goodbyes for us. Wherever you are, you will always be in my heart. – Gandhi

I’m making my peace with her not being here. Slowly.

And as I count the blessings of the time and experiences I had with my mother, I consider what is left and I am grateful. I can say now to all those badass women who embrace motherhood, “Hat’s off to you. Happy Belated Mother’s Day.”

Not broken…just bent

My EARWORM these days is P!nk’s collab with Nate Ruess – Just Give Me a Reason.

From the opening lines…P!nk is speaking to me…

“Right from the start
You were a thief
You stole my heart
And I’m your willing victim…”

Only I don’t think my heart was stolen…I gave it away willingly. But like this song’s theme…my love life’s loop is that there is always some breakdown in communication.

But there is hope and my absolute favourite line is:

“It’s been written in the scars on our hearts
That we’re not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again”

…cuz no matter how your love story ends, how scarred you may be…you can always love again. And when this song is turned up loud…I can shout the lyrics as loud as I want and it still sounds great. True Story!