VernetteOutLoud

Ice Cream Again!

Tuesday 18th May, 2010

It just dawned on me the ‘coincidences’ of today. I’m having some sort of epiphany. Today the Daily Om Inspiration spoke about how God doesn’t bring you to it, if He’s not going to bring you through it. And then I’m sitting here re-reading Tuesdays with Morrie and I realize that He’s been preparing me mentally since the first day I took my first hesitant step away from my mother.

All the books I’ve consumed lately about living in the now: The Power of the Present; Randy Paush’s The Last Lecture, all prepared me in some way for the journey that began on Monday.

My Father in heaven has been preparing me since the day I went to kindergarten for the first time. When I started primary school and by half day I was in the class a year ahead with the older kids…going home my very first day of ‘big school’ with a gift for my mother that read ‘My name is Vernette and I am in Second Year’ it started at the top of the page and went straight across to the bottom. (She still has it)

When I sat my first major exam and my mother wasn’t there to hold my hand or help me solve the math problem, I had to do this on my own. I had to draw from all the knowledge I had in me and with her voice calming me in my head reminding me to pray. I was able to do what I had to.

God was preparing me the day he formed me in my mother’s womb. The very act of being born, is the first testament to letting go. He was preparing me the first time I was conscious of going to church. I remember it was just during Lent waaaay back when my biggest concern was how she was going to comb my hair for church and whether my sister and I would get to wear our favourite socks. You know the kind when you turn it down there is a cute lacy frill at the edge?

It is this faith, cultivated by mummy over the years, that I draw upon now. It is this lifetime of being prepared mentally and emotionally I draw on for the strength to let go. My strong, vibrant and in my eyes – my very own goddess of Love…My mother.

There are many things I can say about life: That it is about living and not existing. Treasure your loved ones. Love them to life as my sister and friend Giselle says. But none is more important than living in the NOW.

Now is all I have with mummy. Now is all I need. To love her to life to ensure that she lives and not exists for the rest of her life. However long that turns out to be.

Saturday 7th August, 2010

Mummy died today at 1:58 p.m.

Monday 23rd August, 2010

Came out to work today and it’s like I’ve stepped into another world. I think the hardest thing about all of this, is acknowledging that life goes on. For everyone else this is just another Monday. For me, everything is different.

I’m different.

Can’t the world see that?

I’m trying to see myself through her eyes…to grow into someone she would be proud of. I want to live my life in a way that honors her memory. I still cannot believe that my mother is dead. She was here alive and cracking jokes just last month. I keep thinking she knew…she knew! She knew all along. From the day she asked Father to come give her confession. She knew. She must have.

I want to be home.

Monday 13th September, 2010

Fucking ice cream again. All I seem to be craving is ice cream. Kanye is toasting assholes and scumbags; Willow is flipping her hair. And all I want right now is the sweet comfort of Belgian Chocolate creaminess on my tongue and in my tummy.

I can feel the warmth of a tear slowly leaking out unto my face.

This is an excerpt from the journal I kept during the months before and after my mother’s death on August 7th 2010.

Unfinished

Things have been quiet around here for a while because I have been languishing in a serious case of overwhelm. (Thanks for this Jennifer!)

Having an idea is the easy part.

What they don’t tell you about blogging is that not seeing that idea through to the end is the worst-case scenario.

The carrion crows in my drafts folder are feasting on many unfinished ideas.

Not finishing is death.

Death of creativity.

Death of your soul…eventually.

The struggle is real.

ONE helluva ride!

WHOO HOO!!! *doing a one-year blogiversary dance*

WHOO HOO!!! *doing a one-year blogiversary dance*

My blogiversary was actually last week, but hey…I LOVE celebrations so the festivities are gonna continue for a little longer!

How this blog came into being:
My cousin suggested I submit a piece for an online, local magazine and I did. I got positive feedback from the editor but my piece was not the best fit for the magazine. We went back and forth with re-write after re-write and my ego got pretty bruised in the process because I mean really, how could my stuff just not measure up.

When I got my last re-write, I was on my way to Jamaica for a two-week vacation and I told the editor that I would look at the piece again when I got back to Trinidad. But then something magical happened in Jamaica, not only did I get clear on what I wanted and how I wanted to live my life (no marijuana was involved just in case you wondered)…I decided to stop trying to fit into someone else’s mold of what I should write.

While in Jamaica I remembered my failed first attempt at blogging over at Blogger. So when I returned home, I immediately looked for it and decided a revamp was in order. I chose WordPress as my new platform, imported my old blog and then deleted all those old posts save the very first one because I felt they were from another time, a different me if you will…then a hop, skip and a jump away (at least it feels like it) I’m celebrating my first Anniversary!

So what have I learned in a year of blogging:

    1. Blogging is heart work and not about churning out posts.
    2. BE REAL. No matter how ugly real is.
    3. Get permission from family members before you put all their business in the road.
    4. Patience. I’m a Work In Progress; therefore, I can ALWAYS hit the delete button.
    5. Perseverance. Don’t give up. Keep writing.
    And finally…
    6. Humility. Despite erratic posts, I have a cohort of awesome here, who keep reading, commenting and encouraging me.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!

Blog Awards & Newbies

Thank You! Thank You! Thank You!

Thank You Debra for blessing me and nominating me for this award. Please go check out her great blog here.

Thank You Debra!!!

Thank You Debra!!!

I have to be honest and since TRUTH is my “one word” for 2013 I have no choice but to be. When I saw the email about the nomination I was filled with a little dread. You see I have been nominated for Blog awards before.

When I first started this blog, I was nominated for The One Lovely Blog Award by fellow blogger Schalk Cloete who is doing great things over at his blog One in a Billion.

Thank You Schalk!

Thank You Schalk!

I was overjoyed. I remember messaging my friend Lucy about it and we were both super excited about the nomination. I was over the moon that, people other than my friends and family (and not even my family sometimes…I see you Trudy!) were reading and enjoying my writing enough to nominate me for an award.

But I was a newbie. I didn’t know that these nominations had rules. I said, Thank you to Schalk and that was the end of it. Fast forward to now and I still feel so ashamed of my newbie-ness.

Then I got nominated for The Liebster Award. Now folks, I have been following Stephanie’s blog WhenCrazyMeetsExhaustion for a while now. Stephanie is AWESOME!!!! (with not 1 but 4 exclamation marks!)

She is a very talented writer who brings humor to motherhood. I get to live vicariously through her stories and I love it! Stephanie’s brother Mike, recently started his own blog, A Different Kind Of Hero to chronicle his journey towards a healthier, fitter and more vital him. Go check out his blog and give him some support.

Thank You Stephanie!

Thank You Stephanie!

According to Stephanie,

The Liebster (German for “dearest”) Award goes to baby blogs, or blogs with less than 200 peeps, but despite their tiny following, have huge potential.

When I got this nomination, I was seriously cheesing it over here. Like if ya’ll looked at a map of the world at night time…the lil dot of light shining ever so brightly in the Caribbean…would have been me lighting up Trinidad. I kid you not. I really love reading Stephanie’s blog and the honor of having her read mine and nominate me as well…oh man…SHINE ON LITTLE LIGHT!

This was the first nomination I formerly declined.

The rules were exhausting. I could not even begin to wade through them. I felt really bad about it and there was a crap-filled couch somewhere in there too.

Then I got nominated for The Wonderful Team Member Readership Award by the incredible Rarasaur “For the amazing ability to get to the essence of anything, including books.

Thanks Rara!

Thanks Rara!

…and I felt the same dread I mentioned earlier when I was nominated for this award. What were the rules going to be like? How many questions will I have to answer or worse come up with myself? But Rarasaur did a lovely post on graciously accepting Blogger Awards and I think it’s one every newbie should read.

Which brings me back to today’s nomination. Debra simply nominated me. No rules. No questions to answer. Nothing. Just a nomination. Just an honor to my blog. THIS my lazy self I CAN ACCEPT. I was overjoyed and curious.

There had to be some rules somewhere for accepting this nomination. And I found them.

As it turns out the rules for The One lovely Blog award are the same as The Versatile Blogger award.

Versatile Blogger Rules (If you choose to obey them)

    • Display the Award Certificate on your website

    • Announce your win with a post and link to whoever presented your award

    • Present 15 awards to deserving bloggers

    • Drop them a comment to tip them off after you’ve linked them in the post

    • Post 7 interesting things about yourself.

Four outta five ain’t bad…except I didn’t present 15 awards to deserving bloggers…I have said a heartfelt THANK YOU to four exceptional bloggers who I am proud to be in community with. That to me is the greatest honor of all – acknowledging that these people enrich my life and my journey beyond measure. Thank you again.

And now *drum roll please* 7 facts about me:

• I miss my mother everyday.

• I am a hand-sanitizer addict…the Bath & Body Works variety.

• I hold my breath for as long as I can if someone sneezes around me.

• I had a lump removed from my left boob 3 years ago. It was benign.

• January 6th this year was 10 years since I’ve been at my current place of work. EGADS!

• I have wanted to be a writer since I was 8. I got lost somewhere along the way…but I’m finding the path again.

• I am 5’4 but my ID says 5’5…in heels it does not matter.

Super thanks to Debra for nominating me for this no-strings attached award. Bless you.

To my fellow newbies, accept the awards fearlessly and graciously and make your own rules.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
― Marianne Williamson, Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of “A Course in Miracles”

Challenge Accepted

One of my favourite bloggers got the idea from one of his favourite bloggers and I’ve accepted the challenge to condense 30 days of blessings into one blog post. So here goes:

1. Coffee!

2. The 947,462,400 seconds I had with my mother. Time is short and life is shorter. Love now. Love Now! LOVE NOW!

3. Tiramisu – my all time favourite dessert. Bless the heart, mind and hands that first envisioned and created this decadent “pick me up”.

4. Being able to read.

5. Good Books – there is nothing like curling up with a book and crawling inside the story. And of course I can’t talk about good books and not mention one of my favs, it’s so simple but so profound Harold and His Purple Crayon…inspiring me to create the life of my imagination everyday.

6. Red Wine.

7. Peace of mind. This should really be #1 but I’ll leave it as lucky #7 instead. I’ve attained a peacefulness of spirit in the last few days that is priceless. I did the thing I was most afraid of doing. I said the thing I was most afraid of saying. And I am ok. PEACE. OF. MIND.

8. My aunties...and yes that’s coffee in front of me.

9. That I live on island. The ocean is always only a short drive away.

10. God chose this time in our history to help my mother and father create me. I feel so blessed to be alive in this era.

11. My faith. I’m grateful that my mother knew the importance of spiritual practice and that she encouraged it. Thanks to her for introducing me to God.

12. Good food. This is the yummiest way to have spinach…after smoothies of course.

13. The trackpad on my phone. When it works, all is well with the world. When it doesn’t….more coffee please!

14. My apartment. I love having my own space during this part of my journey. It’s my safe haven. It’s my haiku to my independence…my “look ma…no hands”.

15. My godsons. They keep me on my toes. They remind me that children don’t stay babies forever and you need to cherish those moments. They also make me grateful that I don’t have kids yet.

16. My cohort of awesome! (this is my creative way of saying I’m grateful for my real friends, old and new)

17. That I know the difference between “being in love” and “being 80s power ballad in love”. Survivor or Journey anyone?

I was living for a dream, loving for a moment
Taking on the world, that was just my style
Now I look into your eyes
I can see forever, the search is over
You were with me all the while
– Search is Over, Survivor

18. Rainy days – life is about balance, they make you appreciate sunshine.

19. ABC’s Wednesday Primetime line up! Mitchell and Cam are two of my favourite tv characters.

20. Air-conditioning. I live on an island. Nuff said.

21. 2-ply toilet paper…and that they’re cushy for my tushy (yes I went there!)

22. Tom Hardy. Perfect body…messed up teeth, because the perfect man does not exist. (Tom comes close though!)

23. My yoga practice.

24. My feet. They take me where I need to go despite taking a pounding from the moment I get up until I lie down at night, only to repeat the same process the next day.

25. French Toast!

26. Pinterest – because big girls need toys too.

27. My basil and rosemary plants are thriving. Caprese coming soon.

28. My snoozer body pillow.

29. Getting another day and another chance to live with purpose.

30. That there are 30 things I’m thankful for in my life right now.