Devastated
I am devastated.
The little person I have loved since the first moment I knew of his existence and was so excited to meet and prayed for and waited 29 weeks in joyful hope for, was born and returned to God just after 9:00 p.m. on Monday 10th June, 2013.
When my brother called to say that my sister-in-law was in labour, my sister and I wasted no time getting to the hospital. I remember our excited conversation on the car ride there. We went through the gamut of emotions as we waited with his grandparents, excitement, wonder and just plain happiness for our family. FINALLY! It was happening.
Then heartbroken when we heard the news, ‘Baby didn’t make it.’
We removed the baby bag we had with us then. The bag filled with items so lovingly bought for him. Then we waited patiently to meet him.
He was small, just over two pounds. He had a full head of hair. ‘Ten fingers, ten toes and one nose’ as my sister lovingly said. He looked like my brother. He was perfect. We held him. We prayed. We cried. We took photos and we have his footprints…treasures that will be forever cherished.
All week, I have been waking up having to remind myself that yes, it did happen. And the sad thing is I am his aunt. I cannot begin to imagine what my sister-in-law is feeling.
I remember my cousins and I were liming a few months ago and we were all talking about whether we wanted a boy or a girl, as if we had a say…I wanted a nephew. I remember saying I wanted a nephew because my brother is a good man and he is going to be an even better Dad and I wanted my kids to have an older cousin who would be loving towards them the way I know my brother will raise his sons to be. I remember saying we need more men like my brother in our family.
I mourn for the chance to shower this child with all the love I still have overflowing for him. When we say goodbye, it will be more than just that final funeral goodbye. It will be goodbye to the adventure of watching him grow, feeding him, telling him about his grandmother and the ‘sweet’ names we imagine she would have called him. Goodbye to the toddler, teenager, big brother, loving cousin and adult we imagined him to grow up be over the last 29 weeks. We will say goodbye to the potential of this baby boy so loved by all of us.
I am so proud of my brother and sister-in-law. Throughout all of this, they have maintained that God is in charge. And while I needed a minute or 10 to be angry at God and ask Him why everything in our lives must be so hard, losing mummy and now Luke…I know He understands my anger and sadness.
I know we cannot change what has happened. I trust that God is in charge and while I may not understand why this has happened now, I will accept it…eventually.
John Green said, “A short life can be a good life.” I now understand this on a whole new level.
Luke has left us with a great legacy: our love for each other has only grown stronger, he has brought our family closer together, having him be part of our journey for the short time that we did, put things in perspective for us; we all know what is really important.
We will speak about Luke. We will tell our future children about him. We will continue to love him, because he was real and he will always be part of our family.
Arms wide open
While cleaning my apartment this morning I found my late friend Jo’s-Ann’s memorial pamphlet. It stopped me in my tracks.
Sunrise: 25th May 1980
Sunset: 23rd December 2012
She was so young; a victim of Lupus .
Jo’s-Ann defied all odds and despite her challenges with Lupus, became the lawyer she always dreamed of becoming. She found a way to make her own rules as she went along. She did not allow the sometimes debilitating effects of her illness to direct how she saw her future. She assessed her reality, made plans and followed through on the those plans that did not give any room to “limitations”. What an example for those of us, who have far less to encumber us.
Her approach to life, the unique route she carved for herself and her ultimate triumph, has inspired me to go in the direction of my own dreams.
Finding the pamphlet, reminded me that I have been delaying deleting her from my BlackBerry Messenger. The very act of which seemed so final. Somehow this was my last connection to her.
Arrived.
That’s her BlackBerry messenger status.
Arrived.
She put that up when she got to the US back in November. She went there on vacation. She never came back.
My last and favourite memory of her was at Queen’s Royal College Old Boy’s Dinner, which we attended about two weeks before she left for vacation. I stood to go join the buffet line and asked Jo’s-Ann what she wanted because I was bringing her dinner to her as well. She said “Everything!”
At the time, I thought to myself…WOW…the girl said everything! No thought about the hour of the night or carbs or that “everything” might be too much for her. She just said, “Everything.”
She had “Everything” that night and she did so with no regrets.
This is an important lesson for me and for others as well.
This is how we should approach life; with arms and heart wide open. Wanting, taking in, absorbing, consuming, embracing, giving…EVERYTHING.
I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith.– 2 Timothy 4:7
When I look at her Messenger profile now, “Arrived” has new meaning.
Her work on earth was finished and now she truly has arrived. I am ready now to say the final goodbye.….I hit “Delete contact.”
Rest in peace my friend. We shall meet again.