VernetteOutLoud

Day 13 – Permission to be flawed

Today’s affirmation:

Today I give with joy.

My affirmation today, felt like a lie because joy was the last thing I was feeling. My lessons in forgiveness, are far from over. Since Saturday, I have had something weighing on my mind. I managed til now to convince myself that it wasnt that big of a deal. Boy was I wrong.

Have you ever had a phone call to make, but the more time passes, the easier it gets not to make it? You rationalise why you don’t have to make it, yet you feel guilty because the time that elapses only makes the situation worse? Damned if you do, damned if you don’t kind of business?

I had such a phone call to make. I had to call and apologize and ask for forgiveness. I was afraid to make the call and my inaction was frustrating me. If I am to live my truth and walk in light always, then I should be able to make this phone call. I should be able to feel the fear and do it anyway.

I truly felt ashamed that I wasnt able to deliver on a promise and I didn’t have the cojones to make amends. I was plagued by thoughts about what my friend must think of me now that I didn’t live up to expectations. How do I feel about myself? My integrity is now in question. What if my friend is so upset, she doesn’t even want to speak to me? And if she does hang-up on me, I deserved it didn’t I?

The more I tried not to think about it, the more I felt bad about it. I was beginning to feel like a fraud, here I am on this 29-Gift journey, trying to give of myself to others and I couldn’t even do this one thing. This thing that needed to be done. I finally picked up the phone tonight and dialed. No answer.

The coward in me rejoiced. Oh sweet relief! Now I can say, hey, I tried to call, but there was no answer. See, I made an effort, albeit a half-hearted one.

I managed to convince myself that this was ok…until I got home from work. As soon as I was alone with my thoughts, I decided I couldn’t come here and talk about light and love and there was this “love thing” I was avoiding doing. I simply had to Spartan-up and call again, whatever the consequences. Feeling bad about it and not doing anything, was not going to help me or my friend. So I called.

We spoke. Though she felt disappointed, she accepted my apology. I still feel terrible about the whole situation but I am very glad that I faced my ego and made the call. An apology is like a mirror. When it’s sincere, it is an admission to self that you are human, that you are flawed, you make mistakes, sometimes you disappoint people and yourself. Give yourself and the people in your life the permission to be human.

Day 11 – The gift for Forgiveness

It’s amazing what sleep does for the body. After my visit to the home for the aged, I came home and slept for almost 6 hours straight. Got up for about an hour and then went right back to sleep. I woke up this morning refreshed and feeling much better than I have in ages. My body really needed some rest.

Today’s affirmation:

Today I give and forgive.

This theme has been recurring all around me for last few days or so. Forgiveness. Grief. Letting Go. Moving on.

Now, when I started this 29-day journey, I had hoped each day, the opportunity to give a gift would present itself naturally, that I’d just know in my heart and spirit what felt right as that day’s gift. Today, however, I am home, the TV is on. I have no idea what or how the opportunity for a gift will present itself. But today is a special day.

One of my god-son’s (I have 3) is celebrating his birthday. My friends all know how much I love birthdays. I think that our presence here on this earth is indeed a present and another year of life should be celebrated. God chose this time in our history to bless this earth with your story…it is a very big deal. So to not be able to celebrate this milestone with him (he’s now a whole hand) hurts on a level I cannot explain. You see his mother and I are no longer friends.

Now some may say this should not affect the child. And I agree. It does not affect the love I have for him. However, I do know that I can love him from afar. It was a difficult decision, one that was in the making over the course of two years. There comes a time though, when we have to take stock of our friendships and take back our power in love. Some friendships drag you down and drain your energy. We hold on anyway because of loyalty, I refuse to say love, because caring about someone is not about martyrdom. Let go we must, for our own growth. This is not an easy thing to do especially with friendships that span years and bonds that are sometimes stronger than family.

I knew how I chose to deal with today, would determine if I’m truly done with this friendship. I chose not to call or message. Instead I chose to light a candle, say a prayer and wish my god-son all the light and love I could. Forgiveness can only happen through grieving and letting go. I have forgiven my friend for not valuing our friendship. I had a lot of grief about how things went down. But I know today started the letting go process. I’m not going to judge her process. I’m going to let the past be the past. We both have some growing to do and I will only do what I can with what I can control. How I react to things.

One day I hope I will have the chance to explain to my godson why I chose to deal with this the way I did. I pray that he understands and forgives me.

Day 8 – The gift of life

Today’s affirmation:

Today I give with creativity.

I chose today’s affirmation, because I wanted to think outside the box with regard to what to give.

Be careful what you ask for.

I got a bbm message from a friend of a friend, asking for a blood donation for another friend. I didn’t know the guy, but I knew the friend and I decided that today’s gift would be the donation of blood.

Now I absolutely hate the actual process of being stuck with the needle. I hate needles! It’s an exercise in strength every time I give blood. 10 years in, I still have to look away, when the needle goes in. I think about happy things, practice some Yoga breathing; anything to get my mind off of the needle going into my arm.

Like I said I’ve been a donor for a decade, and yes I have blood in the “bank” and could just simply make a withdrawal. But, I prefer to keep what’s inside already for my immediate family and close friends. If someone I don’t know needs blood, as long as I can give it, I prefer to make the actual donation.

So today, I went up to the Blood Bank, located on Charlotte Street which is about four blocks away from my office. The walk, got my blood pumping, by the time I was finished with the preliminary assessments, I was more than ready to go.

And then it was time. Look away Vernette. Deep breath in. Hold for 3 counts, exhale for 3 counts. Deep breath in…yup the needle is in. Hold for a count of 3, Exhale for 3. Remember to squeeze the squishy ball, every 10 secs or so.

My inner dialogue was interrupted by a nurse sitting next to me. We got to talking; I think she struck up a convo initially to get my mind off of what was happening. Yes people, I don’t keep it a secret that the whole thing is an ordeal for me. So, I began sharing with her my 29-gift journey. Explaining to her how it all started and how my journey led me to the Blood Bank today. She asked, eventually for my blog address, and I do hope if she remembers to look for it, that she reads this and is inspired to do her own 29-gifts.

The gift of life…sounds so dramatic, but blood really is our life source. And I am humbled that on the day I asked the Universe for some creative “help” in giving, that what came my way, was giving of self in the most personal yet creative way possible.

Day 6 – The gift of Letting Go

Illustration: Jennifer Troyer, www.oprah.com

Today’s affirmation

Today I simply give.

Today we said goodbye to the leader of our organization. He has been here for the last 10 years and he is the only leader I’ve had the privilege to know (they change every 5 years or so, unless they are given a second appointment). I consider myself blessed. I was unprepared for the emotion I felt at the farewell function organized for him. His remarks to close the program took me back to when I first joined the organization.

Here is a man who was truly passionate about what he did. He has always described our organization in superlative terms. He would boast that he had the privilege to have had three terms of office over the course of forty-two years. He would say, he kept coming back because it was a noble institution. It was through his stewardship, the credibility of our organization was restored. He was also pro-family, insisting that we operate not as co-workers, but as a family. He believed in passion. Passion for excellence at work and passion for life. It was his passion for our organization, that sparked hope in many of my colleagues, certainly for me. He saw something great in us as a whole and so I could see something great in me as well.

This is a time of great uncertainty, there will be a lot of changes with the new appointment. We are going to have to let go of what was, to move forward with the new. It is a bit exhilarating and unnerving too but necessary for growth.

This is true for everything in this life. Every day we are alive is an exercise in letting go. When we open our eyes, we let go of sleep and the dream world. We welcome the day. We leave our homes for our day-to-day lives. We eventually leave it all behind at the end of the day and return to our homes. When we lay down to sleep, we let go of the day, with the hope of a new one to come. Always an ebb and flow. A give and take. We may try to hold on to a moment, make it last for as long as it can…but eventually we have to let go of time, in order to live. We have to let go, to grow.

Today I let go of what was, with hope for what is yet to come.