VernetteOutLoud

How do you know?

So apparently I was on the naughty list. Again.

I truly prided myself on being an okay adult this year (honesty counts right?)…worked my ass off for an organization that does not even provide the padded seating for spin bikes when you’ve worked said “ass” to the bone…! But hey, they pay me just enough to make sure I keep coming back every day so you know how that goes.

I filed my taxes on time. I tithed and I stuck with the gym thing ALL year…ok for most of the year but I did manage to lose 18lbs and change how and what I eat, that has to count for something right? RIGHT!? I made it through a whole year and did not commit homicide or bomb any office buildings, strangle any co-workers or even give in to the rage that only seems to manifest itself as road-venom.

WAAAH! WAAAH!

WAAAH! WAAAH!

Thus, it was pretty fair for me to expect the following presents under my tree:

    1. Keurig B70 Single Brew Coffee machine, Crockpot, Ice cream maker and a convection oven.

    2. Padding for my spin bike.

    3. No more bloodshed in Trinidad & Tobago except for like a splinter in your finger.

    4. A disciplined Football (read soccer for some of you) team (Real Madrid, CBTT, QRC, SOCA Warriors etal…)

    5. A never-ending supply of mini hand sanitizers preferably of the Bath & Body Works variety.

    6. A pen that appears exactly when I need it.

    7. No more vampires…masquerading as politicians, I deserve to have leadership I can be proud of.

    8. A beam-me-up-scotty-thingee (these can come in handy like you wont believe)

    9. A complete Apartment Make-over.

    10. Some chunky double chocolate chip cookies that are all you can eat with none of the fat. (This one was supposed to be a one-off, one time thing.)

I got none of the above.
Nada. Zip. Zero.
Not even a hand sanitizer!

Instead what I got was something totally different.

Instead of presents this year, I got presence.

Santa...? Is that you?

I got time spent with my family and friends. The full, undivided attention of my beloveds, filled with belly laughs and good food.

There was a popular advertisement on TV that asked over the holiday shopping rush: “How do you know when you’re loved?”

I know…because TIME is actually spelt like LOVE

…and today…that is all I gave and received.

Your presence is a present to the world.

…and that's a wrap!

I’m still here.

While I didn’t believe for one second that the world was gonna end yesterday, I chose not to make jokes about it. I believe that yesterday, for some people…for far too many people, their world did end. Loved ones died, parents were burying children far too young to be put into the ground and someone, somewhere found out that it is in fact cancer. This is the world we live in. It sucks ass more times than we feel comfortable admitting.

What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly. – Richard Bach

Many times this year, I thought my world had ended.

Lesson learned: I. AM. A. SURVIVOR.

I’ve learned that I am more than I think I am. I can go further than I think I can. I endure. I rise above. I move on. I try again. I learn. I grow. I evolve.

Caterpillars don’t just enter the chrysalis and sprout wings, you know. Before they become butterflies, they essentially become bug soup, dissolving completely before being reborn as something new and beautiful. – Lissa Rankin

The caterpillar’s world has to end for the butterfly’s world to begin. The butterfly knows patience. The butterfly trusts that everything is happening as it is supposed to. The butterfly arrives right on time.

Patience. A year of patience. I wanted to fast forward the healing of my broken heart. I wanted to skip the hard gym days and go straight to the me who is now 18lbs lighter. I wished my promotion would just hurry up and be official. Needless to say, nothing happened before its time. The lessons were in the details. If I’d skipped the “hard” parts, I would have missed the experience of the journey.

I’m sure I will have more lessons in patience. Letting go of the outcome and trusting that everything is happening as it should, is going to be a recurring theme because I’m still pretty selfish and I want everything now. I’m still learning that the best part of delayed gratification is the delay.

Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery. None but ourselves can free our minds. – Bob Marley

Failure is slavery. I can be controlling. This can be problematic when it comes to real life. One cannot control everything. Therefore when things fall apart, when the world as I know it ends, I tend to trash talk myself. Learning to reframe failure into just an experience to learn from has been freeing. It means that there is no right or wrong path…there is just a path. I live and I learn and I grow.

What is to give light must endure burning. – Viktor Frankl

It is said that the cracks in a broken heart allows light to shine through. My heart must look like a disco ball by now. That’s the thing about human beings and all the relationships we find ourselves in….someone is going to break our heart. Mother. Sister. Brother. Husband. Friend. That’s the risk of “relating”…of loving. This has been a time of releasing those who hurt me. It’s been hard. Some of the hurts I’m still not over but by acknowledging it…releasing it, I am now free to connect with those who can fill those holes.

The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others. – Sonya Friedman

We teach people how to love us. This is one of my favourite posts, because this is the standard I set for myself this year.

When, I moved into my apartment last year, one of my first guests said, “You know, maybe your mum had to leave this world, so you could finally find your place in it. So you could grow up.”

At the time, I was like…wait what?! But my world as I knew it, ended on August 07th, 2010…a little before 2:00 p.m. and all this time, I’ve been trying to work my way out of the cocoon.

I’ve done a lot of growing up in 2012. I have a long way yet to go. I am grateful for all the love in my life, for the people who love the work-in-progress that I am.

Light, Love, Passion….and coffee. Lots and lots of coffee.…and that’s a wrap!