VernetteOutLoud

March Madness?

March…thus far, in a word: HEAVY

I have been feeling depleted emotionally, physically, mentally and most worrying for me…spiritually. I’ve gone though “desert” experiences before; but these last couple weeks, I feel like I’ve been lost in the desert. I suppose…this has been a true “Lenten” experience.

I’m not sick nor am I pushing myself too hard, but folks I feel drained. When I’m in this place, all my unresolved issues and insecurities and fears are magnified a thousand million times…and yes there is also a little issue with exaggeration. I keep ruminating over the past and wishing there are things I could do differently. There are things that happened, things I’ve done, that to this day…they still make me cringe with shame.

Living with shame/guilt/a general inability to let the past go and forgive ourselves for mistakes is one of the quickest and surest ways to keep ourselves disconnected from God and, as a result, miserable. ~ Brian Johnson

How do I let my past mistakes go once and for all? How do I forgive myself and let go of the past? I want to have my own resurrection. I’ve learned the lessons…boy have I learned them…and now I just want to move past the hurt, shame, disappointment and unforgiveness.

The person who is to succeed will never let his mind dwell on past mistakes. He will forgive the past in his life and in the lives of other people. If he makes a mistake he will at once forgive it. ~ Ernest Holmes

I’ve been contemplating this “desert” experience and I realized that to get to this resurrection I so crave…I have to be willing to take up my cross and start on the journey.

When the cross is embraced it becomes a sign of love and of total self-giving. To carry it behind Christ means to be united with him in offering the greatest proof of love … the choice is between a full life and an empty existence, between truth and falsehood. ~ Pope John Paul II

So my big epiphany or rather the truth I’ve faced up to this week: Un-forgiveness is my cross.

How can I begin to “love others as I love myself” when I’m constantly being un-loving to myself for past mistakes? Forgiveness is an act of Love. Love simply cannot exist where there is no forgiveness. Jesus forgave the people who crucified him. Easter is in fact a celebration of forgiveness.

Take up your cross and follow Me ~ Matthew 16:24; Mark 8:34; Luke 9:23

He is asking me to follow him, to model him and in doing so…I too, must forgive. It starts with forgiving myself for all the crap I’ve done, for all the unkind words, thoughts and actions I’ve inflicted on myself, for opportunities missed, love lost and unfulfilled and for all the hurt and pain, I’ve experienced as a result of the words or actions of others.

So am I willing to take up my cross every day and follow Christ to my own resurrection? Am I willing to model him and forgive myself and others? Am I willing to release the past with love so that it doesn’t have power over me anymore? And most importantly, am I willing to receive forgiveness so that my heart can remain open to the Light and Love within?

The answer is: YES.

Bless it and let it go and keep moving forward.

While you have many alternative futures, you also have many alternative pasts. Out of billions of experiences in your life, you have chosen to focus on only a small number of selected events as your “past.” You may think of events A, G, M, and W as your past; but you could also define your past as events B, D, R, and Z. If you focus on traumatic or self-defeating moments as your past, your future will replicate them. If you focus on empowering and self-honoring events, those are the ones you will repeat.Your life and experiences have only the meaning you give them. You can take any experience and reframe it in a way that honors and empowers you. ~ Alan Cohen

Day 21 – Solidarity

Today’s prayer and affirmation:

Today I surrender to my heart. Teach me to be patient. I trust that I am right where I am supposed to be.

My friend Narisa is fasting for the month of Ramadan. I decided to join her in her fast today. This is my gift solidarity with my friend during this solemn time.

Fasting, generally speaking is the voluntary avoidance of something that you deem as good. Usually it means restricting what you eat and drink. In my own Roman Catholic tradition, fasting is prayer of the body. It is a spiritual discipline that takes you on a journey to tame the body so you can focus on God. Fasting is also a way of doing penance for past excesses. Lent is the most popular period of fasting for Catholics; it is the 40 days before Easter Sunday. Prayer, fasting and almsgiving go hand in hand.

Reading up on Ramadan I realized that it teaches you patience. My friend Narisa further explained that patience and perseverance are fundamental teachings in the Qu’ran. You are called to restrict food and drink, this includes water. You eat before the sun rises and break fast when it sets.

I chose to do this fast for three reasons: My friend is doing this great thing, which after doing it for a day, I have a new respect for her; I wanted to reflect on my own lack of patience and to focus my thoughts inward and meditate on my path and to break this thraldom to my body and get in touch with my spirit. I got up early like I planned and had what I call an “Ultimate Green Smoothie” because I put oatmeal, flax seeds and lots of other good stuff in it. I had 2 glasses of water. Then I said some prayers and started today’s posts.

I was fine until I got to work. The coffee smells were playing with my mind. By 10 I was thinking to myself, why, oh why did I agree to do this? In my Catholic tradition, I could have some water at least. But in this tradition, you have nothing to eat or drink during the fast. I was sleepy all day, probably because of the early morning. But I made it through with prayer and mindfulness and lots of encouragement from Narisa. Needless to say, when I had that first sip of ice-cold water when I broke fast it never tasted so good.

I will do this fast again. My birthday is coming up and I’ve decided that this year I will be giving instead of waiting to receive. I want to prepare my mind and body as I enter a new year of life and a new phase of loving.