VernetteOutLoud

Questions

When this television news anchorman who is fighting brain cancer in Illinois shared with viewers (and the whole world) that he was told by his doctors that he only has four to six months to live; I could not help but admire his bravery and honesty and his faith in God.

And of course he made me think about what I would do, and how would I spend my time, if I learned that I only had six months left to live myself.

WWYD?Would I do the same things I am doing now, only with a little more care?

Would I want to continue working for as long as I can like Dave wants to?

Or would I want something more?

The answer is something more.

I would want more joy, more kayaking at sunset, more home cooked meals shared with my Cohort of Awesome, more clarity, more soul-stirring Masses that leaves me spiritually sated, more giving, and certainly more Love. I would want to celebrate each day that I woke up and realized that I was still in the land of the living. I would want a life that has room for only the things that matter.

Would I still worry about the past? I don’t think so. I would probably bless it and let go of all the shitty things I still hold on to once and for all. I would probably accept finally that my life is not perfect but it is wonderfully imperfect just as it is. Cuz it’s mine.

Would I count my blessings each day? Yes and I would probably keep a gratitude journal just to remind myself every day of all the things I have to be grateful for.

Would I hold on to all the stuff I’m keeping “just in case”? If I’m honest, those things would probably be the first to go.

The really big question now that I’ve done all these brain things is: What am I waiting on to start doing those things NOW? In the time I do have?

I’m not promised tomorrow…two weeks or even six more months. So what am I waiting on to start living the life I described above?

UNPACKED

According to 1000 Awesome Things…”packed boxes are ghosts.”

When I moved into my apartment over two years ago I unpacked everything except 5 large cardboard boxes. I’ve been delaying unpacking these last few things because there was a part of me that felt if I unpacked ALL the boxes then this “new” space would not really be temporary. I felt that if I unpacked everything then it means that I have really moved on. I’ve truly said goodbye to my childhood.

All this time I have had these 5 boxes in my tiny kitchen and lived with them…they became part of the room. Inside they held my mother’s things: Crockery, bowls, glasses…the first prize I ever won at a school sports day. Until now I just could not face unpacking them…it was 3 parts I don’t want to unpack mummy’s things and 1 part laziness.

Biggest surprise: I did not cry. Not even when I removed the wrapping on her prized CorningWare bowls. Instead, as I carefully washed them I remembered the meals we used to prepare in them and I thought about the ones I have yet to create. I look forward to using them. No ghosts here.

Today’s prompt asks whether you’re doing the holidays larger or smaller this year? While I don’t have that much Christmas spirit…no decorations or lights or even a tree…I guess I’m doing Christmas on a larger scale (for me) this year. Unpacking my mother’s things and handling that as well as I did, has shown me that I have made some major progress in my journey with grief. I also cleaned more than I did last year and the year before that…that’s for damn sure. My aching shoulders are testament to how much cleaning has been going on. I’m not even completely finished too. I’m on break right now…

So as I sit and type this in my kitchen/living room I cannot help but note that my apartment feels lighter because those boxes are gone.

I realize too that despite how tired I am right now…I feel lighter because I’m moving forward.

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I’m participating in BlogHer’s NaBloPoMo Challenge for the month of December:

NaBloPoMo_MoreLess

You can read some awesome entries here: NaBloPoMo December

Arms wide open

While cleaning my apartment this morning I found my late friend Jo’s-Ann’s memorial pamphlet. It stopped me in my tracks.

Sunrise: 25th May 1980
Sunset: 23rd December 2012

She was so young; a victim of Lupus .

Jo’s-Ann defied all odds and despite her challenges with Lupus, became the lawyer she always dreamed of becoming. She found a way to make her own rules as she went along. She did not allow the sometimes debilitating effects of her illness to direct how she saw her future. She assessed her reality, made plans and followed through on the those plans that did not give any room to “limitations”. What an example for those of us, who have far less to encumber us.

Her approach to life, the unique route she carved for herself and her ultimate triumph, has inspired me to go in the direction of my own dreams.

Finding the pamphlet, reminded me that I have been delaying deleting her from my BlackBerry Messenger. The very act of which seemed so final. Somehow this was my last connection to her.

Arrived.

That’s her BlackBerry messenger status.

Arrived.

She put that up when she got to the US back in November. She went there on vacation. She never came back.

My last and favourite memory of her was at Queen’s Royal College Old Boy’s Dinner, which we attended about two weeks before she left for vacation. I stood to go join the buffet line and asked Jo’s-Ann what she wanted because I was bringing her dinner to her as well. She said “Everything!”

At the time, I thought to myself…WOW…the girl said everything! No thought about the hour of the night or carbs or that “everything” might be too much for her. She just said, “Everything.”

She had “Everything” that night and she did so with no regrets.

This is an important lesson for me and for others as well.

This is how we should approach life; with arms and heart wide open. Wanting, taking in, absorbing, consuming, embracing, giving…EVERYTHING.

I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith.– 2 Timothy 4:7

When I look at her Messenger profile now, “Arrived” has new meaning.

Her work on earth was finished and now she truly has arrived. I am ready now to say the final goodbye.….I hit “Delete contact.”

Rest in peace my friend. We shall meet again.

Day 11 – The gift for Forgiveness

It’s amazing what sleep does for the body. After my visit to the home for the aged, I came home and slept for almost 6 hours straight. Got up for about an hour and then went right back to sleep. I woke up this morning refreshed and feeling much better than I have in ages. My body really needed some rest.

Today’s affirmation:

Today I give and forgive.

This theme has been recurring all around me for last few days or so. Forgiveness. Grief. Letting Go. Moving on.

Now, when I started this 29-day journey, I had hoped each day, the opportunity to give a gift would present itself naturally, that I’d just know in my heart and spirit what felt right as that day’s gift. Today, however, I am home, the TV is on. I have no idea what or how the opportunity for a gift will present itself. But today is a special day.

One of my god-son’s (I have 3) is celebrating his birthday. My friends all know how much I love birthdays. I think that our presence here on this earth is indeed a present and another year of life should be celebrated. God chose this time in our history to bless this earth with your story…it is a very big deal. So to not be able to celebrate this milestone with him (he’s now a whole hand) hurts on a level I cannot explain. You see his mother and I are no longer friends.

Now some may say this should not affect the child. And I agree. It does not affect the love I have for him. However, I do know that I can love him from afar. It was a difficult decision, one that was in the making over the course of two years. There comes a time though, when we have to take stock of our friendships and take back our power in love. Some friendships drag you down and drain your energy. We hold on anyway because of loyalty, I refuse to say love, because caring about someone is not about martyrdom. Let go we must, for our own growth. This is not an easy thing to do especially with friendships that span years and bonds that are sometimes stronger than family.

I knew how I chose to deal with today, would determine if I’m truly done with this friendship. I chose not to call or message. Instead I chose to light a candle, say a prayer and wish my god-son all the light and love I could. Forgiveness can only happen through grieving and letting go. I have forgiven my friend for not valuing our friendship. I had a lot of grief about how things went down. But I know today started the letting go process. I’m not going to judge her process. I’m going to let the past be the past. We both have some growing to do and I will only do what I can with what I can control. How I react to things.

One day I hope I will have the chance to explain to my godson why I chose to deal with this the way I did. I pray that he understands and forgives me.

Day 6 – The gift of Letting Go

Illustration: Jennifer Troyer, www.oprah.com

Today’s affirmation

Today I simply give.

Today we said goodbye to the leader of our organization. He has been here for the last 10 years and he is the only leader I’ve had the privilege to know (they change every 5 years or so, unless they are given a second appointment). I consider myself blessed. I was unprepared for the emotion I felt at the farewell function organized for him. His remarks to close the program took me back to when I first joined the organization.

Here is a man who was truly passionate about what he did. He has always described our organization in superlative terms. He would boast that he had the privilege to have had three terms of office over the course of forty-two years. He would say, he kept coming back because it was a noble institution. It was through his stewardship, the credibility of our organization was restored. He was also pro-family, insisting that we operate not as co-workers, but as a family. He believed in passion. Passion for excellence at work and passion for life. It was his passion for our organization, that sparked hope in many of my colleagues, certainly for me. He saw something great in us as a whole and so I could see something great in me as well.

This is a time of great uncertainty, there will be a lot of changes with the new appointment. We are going to have to let go of what was, to move forward with the new. It is a bit exhilarating and unnerving too but necessary for growth.

This is true for everything in this life. Every day we are alive is an exercise in letting go. When we open our eyes, we let go of sleep and the dream world. We welcome the day. We leave our homes for our day-to-day lives. We eventually leave it all behind at the end of the day and return to our homes. When we lay down to sleep, we let go of the day, with the hope of a new one to come. Always an ebb and flow. A give and take. We may try to hold on to a moment, make it last for as long as it can…but eventually we have to let go of time, in order to live. We have to let go, to grow.

Today I let go of what was, with hope for what is yet to come.