VernetteOutLoud

UNPACKED

According to 1000 Awesome Things…”packed boxes are ghosts.”

When I moved into my apartment over two years ago I unpacked everything except 5 large cardboard boxes. I’ve been delaying unpacking these last few things because there was a part of me that felt if I unpacked ALL the boxes then this “new” space would not really be temporary. I felt that if I unpacked everything then it means that I have really moved on. I’ve truly said goodbye to my childhood.

All this time I have had these 5 boxes in my tiny kitchen and lived with them…they became part of the room. Inside they held my mother’s things: Crockery, bowls, glasses…the first prize I ever won at a school sports day. Until now I just could not face unpacking them…it was 3 parts I don’t want to unpack mummy’s things and 1 part laziness.

Biggest surprise: I did not cry. Not even when I removed the wrapping on her prized CorningWare bowls. Instead, as I carefully washed them I remembered the meals we used to prepare in them and I thought about the ones I have yet to create. I look forward to using them. No ghosts here.

Today’s prompt asks whether you’re doing the holidays larger or smaller this year? While I don’t have that much Christmas spirit…no decorations or lights or even a tree…I guess I’m doing Christmas on a larger scale (for me) this year. Unpacking my mother’s things and handling that as well as I did, has shown me that I have made some major progress in my journey with grief. I also cleaned more than I did last year and the year before that…that’s for damn sure. My aching shoulders are testament to how much cleaning has been going on. I’m not even completely finished too. I’m on break right now…

So as I sit and type this in my kitchen/living room I cannot help but note that my apartment feels lighter because those boxes are gone.

I realize too that despite how tired I am right now…I feel lighter because I’m moving forward.

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I’m participating in BlogHer’s NaBloPoMo Challenge for the month of December:

NaBloPoMo_MoreLess

You can read some awesome entries here: NaBloPoMo December

Day 11 – The gift for Forgiveness

It’s amazing what sleep does for the body. After my visit to the home for the aged, I came home and slept for almost 6 hours straight. Got up for about an hour and then went right back to sleep. I woke up this morning refreshed and feeling much better than I have in ages. My body really needed some rest.

Today’s affirmation:

Today I give and forgive.

This theme has been recurring all around me for last few days or so. Forgiveness. Grief. Letting Go. Moving on.

Now, when I started this 29-day journey, I had hoped each day, the opportunity to give a gift would present itself naturally, that I’d just know in my heart and spirit what felt right as that day’s gift. Today, however, I am home, the TV is on. I have no idea what or how the opportunity for a gift will present itself. But today is a special day.

One of my god-son’s (I have 3) is celebrating his birthday. My friends all know how much I love birthdays. I think that our presence here on this earth is indeed a present and another year of life should be celebrated. God chose this time in our history to bless this earth with your story…it is a very big deal. So to not be able to celebrate this milestone with him (he’s now a whole hand) hurts on a level I cannot explain. You see his mother and I are no longer friends.

Now some may say this should not affect the child. And I agree. It does not affect the love I have for him. However, I do know that I can love him from afar. It was a difficult decision, one that was in the making over the course of two years. There comes a time though, when we have to take stock of our friendships and take back our power in love. Some friendships drag you down and drain your energy. We hold on anyway because of loyalty, I refuse to say love, because caring about someone is not about martyrdom. Let go we must, for our own growth. This is not an easy thing to do especially with friendships that span years and bonds that are sometimes stronger than family.

I knew how I chose to deal with today, would determine if I’m truly done with this friendship. I chose not to call or message. Instead I chose to light a candle, say a prayer and wish my god-son all the light and love I could. Forgiveness can only happen through grieving and letting go. I have forgiven my friend for not valuing our friendship. I had a lot of grief about how things went down. But I know today started the letting go process. I’m not going to judge her process. I’m going to let the past be the past. We both have some growing to do and I will only do what I can with what I can control. How I react to things.

One day I hope I will have the chance to explain to my godson why I chose to deal with this the way I did. I pray that he understands and forgives me.