I’ve been on three dates in the last year and five months. Yup, I know…clearly I don’t care about ticking biological clocks as someone indignantly said to me recently.

It didn’t help that I laughed in their face either. I’m at the age my mother was when she had me…and I’m the eldest. So I’m not worried folks, no need to be on my behalf. OKAY?

Right…so why do I suck at dating?

I don’t date. Ergo, I lack the skill set required or rather, I never developed the skills required to navigate these interviews for *cough* sex.

I’m lazy – I’d much rather stay at home snuggled up in my comfy bed, watching Netflix or reading a book than getting dressed up to go out with some guy and to then watch the same movie only with popcorn involved. Oh the effort!

Ugh. Small talk. I am not good at it. I will tell you pretty much everything about my day with one “how was your day”… then the guy goes all MEGO on me (you know…My Eyes Glaze Over) and I’m left thinking I’m so gauche. Awkward silence follows.

Then there is the “Oh my God…what the hell do I wear?” Too casual and I don’t care enough…dressed up…and I care too much. Where are we going? What’s appropriate? Why did I agree to this? Is it too late to cancel? Maybe. How interested am I? How much effort should I put into this outfit? Grrrr…. This line of questioning almost always brings me to…geez Vernette you need new clothes! To which, lazy Vernette whispers “you wouldn’t need new clothes if you were staying at home with your body pillow and Netflix…who BOTH love you just as you are in underwear even!” Lazy Vernette wins. Every.Single.Time.

Men People are stupid. I’m the chick who will be “set-up” on a date with a guy because we both like hiking. Then the guy is mostly silent for the duration of the “date” not even to talk about this fantastic thing that made my friend think this would be a match made in heaven. However, at the end of the night…says some crap like he’s the strong, silent type and I’m all…hmmph too late buddy! I’m already so bored and my body pillow is waiting. I mean…really? This is what I showered and used my Victoria Secret lotion for? True story by the way.

Best Behaviour Business. Have you ever been on a “first date” and felt like you were holding in a gargantuan fart the whole time? No? Just me then? Shee-it! Okay. I really do suck at this.

Holding in a fart? Most probably!