VernetteOutLoud

Ice Cream Again!

Tuesday 18th May, 2010

It just dawned on me the ‘coincidences’ of today. I’m having some sort of epiphany. Today the Daily Om Inspiration spoke about how God doesn’t bring you to it, if He’s not going to bring you through it. And then I’m sitting here re-reading Tuesdays with Morrie and I realize that He’s been preparing me mentally since the first day I took my first hesitant step away from my mother.

All the books I’ve consumed lately about living in the now: The Power of the Present; Randy Paush’s The Last Lecture, all prepared me in some way for the journey that began on Monday.

My Father in heaven has been preparing me since the day I went to kindergarten for the first time. When I started primary school and by half day I was in the class a year ahead with the older kids…going home my very first day of ‘big school’ with a gift for my mother that read ‘My name is Vernette and I am in Second Year’ it started at the top of the page and went straight across to the bottom. (She still has it)

When I sat my first major exam and my mother wasn’t there to hold my hand or help me solve the math problem, I had to do this on my own. I had to draw from all the knowledge I had in me and with her voice calming me in my head reminding me to pray. I was able to do what I had to.

God was preparing me the day he formed me in my mother’s womb. The very act of being born, is the first testament to letting go. He was preparing me the first time I was conscious of going to church. I remember it was just during Lent waaaay back when my biggest concern was how she was going to comb my hair for church and whether my sister and I would get to wear our favourite socks. You know the kind when you turn it down there is a cute lacy frill at the edge?

It is this faith, cultivated by mummy over the years, that I draw upon now. It is this lifetime of being prepared mentally and emotionally I draw on for the strength to let go. My strong, vibrant and in my eyes – my very own goddess of Love…My mother.

There are many things I can say about life: That it is about living and not existing. Treasure your loved ones. Love them to life as my sister and friend Giselle says. But none is more important than living in the NOW.

Now is all I have with mummy. Now is all I need. To love her to life to ensure that she lives and not exists for the rest of her life. However long that turns out to be.

Saturday 7th August, 2010

Mummy died today at 1:58 p.m.

Monday 23rd August, 2010

Came out to work today and it’s like I’ve stepped into another world. I think the hardest thing about all of this, is acknowledging that life goes on. For everyone else this is just another Monday. For me, everything is different.

I’m different.

Can’t the world see that?

I’m trying to see myself through her eyes…to grow into someone she would be proud of. I want to live my life in a way that honors her memory. I still cannot believe that my mother is dead. She was here alive and cracking jokes just last month. I keep thinking she knew…she knew! She knew all along. From the day she asked Father to come give her confession. She knew. She must have.

I want to be home.

Monday 13th September, 2010

Fucking ice cream again. All I seem to be craving is ice cream. Kanye is toasting assholes and scumbags; Willow is flipping her hair. And all I want right now is the sweet comfort of Belgian Chocolate creaminess on my tongue and in my tummy.

I can feel the warmth of a tear slowly leaking out unto my face.

This is an excerpt from the journal I kept during the months before and after my mother’s death on August 7th 2010.

…and that's a wrap!

I’m still here.

While I didn’t believe for one second that the world was gonna end yesterday, I chose not to make jokes about it. I believe that yesterday, for some people…for far too many people, their world did end. Loved ones died, parents were burying children far too young to be put into the ground and someone, somewhere found out that it is in fact cancer. This is the world we live in. It sucks ass more times than we feel comfortable admitting.

What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly. – Richard Bach

Many times this year, I thought my world had ended.

Lesson learned: I. AM. A. SURVIVOR.

I’ve learned that I am more than I think I am. I can go further than I think I can. I endure. I rise above. I move on. I try again. I learn. I grow. I evolve.

Caterpillars don’t just enter the chrysalis and sprout wings, you know. Before they become butterflies, they essentially become bug soup, dissolving completely before being reborn as something new and beautiful. – Lissa Rankin

The caterpillar’s world has to end for the butterfly’s world to begin. The butterfly knows patience. The butterfly trusts that everything is happening as it is supposed to. The butterfly arrives right on time.

Patience. A year of patience. I wanted to fast forward the healing of my broken heart. I wanted to skip the hard gym days and go straight to the me who is now 18lbs lighter. I wished my promotion would just hurry up and be official. Needless to say, nothing happened before its time. The lessons were in the details. If I’d skipped the “hard” parts, I would have missed the experience of the journey.

I’m sure I will have more lessons in patience. Letting go of the outcome and trusting that everything is happening as it should, is going to be a recurring theme because I’m still pretty selfish and I want everything now. I’m still learning that the best part of delayed gratification is the delay.

Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery. None but ourselves can free our minds. – Bob Marley

Failure is slavery. I can be controlling. This can be problematic when it comes to real life. One cannot control everything. Therefore when things fall apart, when the world as I know it ends, I tend to trash talk myself. Learning to reframe failure into just an experience to learn from has been freeing. It means that there is no right or wrong path…there is just a path. I live and I learn and I grow.

What is to give light must endure burning. – Viktor Frankl

It is said that the cracks in a broken heart allows light to shine through. My heart must look like a disco ball by now. That’s the thing about human beings and all the relationships we find ourselves in….someone is going to break our heart. Mother. Sister. Brother. Husband. Friend. That’s the risk of “relating”…of loving. This has been a time of releasing those who hurt me. It’s been hard. Some of the hurts I’m still not over but by acknowledging it…releasing it, I am now free to connect with those who can fill those holes.

The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others. – Sonya Friedman

We teach people how to love us. This is one of my favourite posts, because this is the standard I set for myself this year.

When, I moved into my apartment last year, one of my first guests said, “You know, maybe your mum had to leave this world, so you could finally find your place in it. So you could grow up.”

At the time, I was like…wait what?! But my world as I knew it, ended on August 07th, 2010…a little before 2:00 p.m. and all this time, I’ve been trying to work my way out of the cocoon.

I’ve done a lot of growing up in 2012. I have a long way yet to go. I am grateful for all the love in my life, for the people who love the work-in-progress that I am.

Light, Love, Passion….and coffee. Lots and lots of coffee.…and that’s a wrap!