Tuesday 18th May, 2010
It just dawned on me the ‘coincidences’ of today. I’m having some sort of epiphany. Today the Daily Om Inspiration spoke about how God doesn’t bring you to it, if He’s not going to bring you through it. And then I’m sitting here re-reading Tuesdays with Morrie and I realize that He’s been preparing me mentally since the first day I took my first hesitant step away from my mother.
All the books I’ve consumed lately about living in the now: The Power of the Present; Randy Paush’s The Last Lecture, all prepared me in some way for the journey that began on Monday.
My Father in heaven has been preparing me since the day I went to kindergarten for the first time. When I started primary school and by half day I was in the class a year ahead with the older kids…going home my very first day of ‘big school’ with a gift for my mother that read ‘My name is Vernette and I am in Second Year’ it started at the top of the page and went straight across to the bottom. (She still has it)
When I sat my first major exam and my mother wasn’t there to hold my hand or help me solve the math problem, I had to do this on my own. I had to draw from all the knowledge I had in me and with her voice calming me in my head reminding me to pray. I was able to do what I had to.
God was preparing me the day he formed me in my mother’s womb. The very act of being born, is the first testament to letting go. He was preparing me the first time I was conscious of going to church. I remember it was just during Lent waaaay back when my biggest concern was how she was going to comb my hair for church and whether my sister and I would get to wear our favourite socks. You know the kind when you turn it down there is a cute lacy frill at the edge?
It is this faith, cultivated by mummy over the years, that I draw upon now. It is this lifetime of being prepared mentally and emotionally I draw on for the strength to let go. My strong, vibrant and in my eyes – my very own goddess of Love…My mother.
There are many things I can say about life: That it is about living and not existing. Treasure your loved ones. Love them to life as my sister and friend Giselle says. But none is more important than living in the NOW.
Now is all I have with mummy. Now is all I need. To love her to life to ensure that she lives and not exists for the rest of her life. However long that turns out to be.
Saturday 7th August, 2010
Mummy died today at 1:58 p.m.
Monday 23rd August, 2010
Came out to work today and it’s like I’ve stepped into another world. I think the hardest thing about all of this, is acknowledging that life goes on. For everyone else this is just another Monday. For me, everything is different.
Can’t the world see that?
I’m trying to see myself through her eyes…to grow into someone she would be proud of. I want to live my life in a way that honors her memory. I still cannot believe that my mother is dead. She was here alive and cracking jokes just last month. I keep thinking she knew…she knew! She knew all along. From the day she asked Father to come give her confession. She knew. She must have.
I want to be home.
Monday 13th September, 2010
Fucking ice cream again. All I seem to be craving is ice cream. Kanye is toasting assholes and scumbags; Willow is flipping her hair. And all I want right now is the sweet comfort of Belgian Chocolate creaminess on my tongue and in my tummy.
I can feel the warmth of a tear slowly leaking out unto my face.
This is an excerpt from the journal I kept during the months before and after my mother’s death on August 7th 2010.