I’ve been on three dates in the last year and five months. Yup, I know…clearly I don’t care about ticking biological clocks as someone indignantly said to me recently.
It didn’t help that I laughed in their face either. I’m at the age my mother was when she had me…and I’m the eldest. So I’m not worried folks, no need to be on my behalf. OKAY?
Right…so why do I suck at dating?
I don’t date. Ergo, I lack the skill set required or rather, I never developed the skills required to navigate these interviews for *cough* sex.
I’m lazy – I’d much rather stay at home snuggled up in my comfy bed, watching Netflix or reading a book than getting dressed up to go out with some guy and to then watch the same movie only with popcorn involved. Oh the effort!
Ugh. Small talk. I am not good at it. I will tell you pretty much everything about my day with one “how was your day”… then the guy goes all MEGO on me (you know…My Eyes Glaze Over) and I’m left thinking I’m so gauche. Awkward silence follows.
Then there is the “Oh my God…what the hell do I wear?” Too casual and I don’t care enough…dressed up…and I care too much. Where are we going? What’s appropriate? Why did I agree to this? Is it too late to cancel? Maybe. How interested am I? How much effort should I put into this outfit? Grrrr…. This line of questioning almost always brings me to…geez Vernette you need new clothes! To which, lazy Vernette whispers “you wouldn’t need new clothes if you were staying at home with your body pillow and Netflix…who BOTH love you just as you are in underwear even!” Lazy Vernette wins. Every.Single.Time.
Men People are stupid. I’m the chick who will be “set-up” on a date with a guy because we both like hiking. Then the guy is mostly silent for the duration of the “date” not even to talk about this fantastic thing that made my friend think this would be a match made in heaven. However, at the end of the night…says some crap like he’s the strong, silent type and I’m all…hmmph too late buddy! I’m already so bored and my body pillow is waiting. I mean…really? This is what I showered and used my Victoria Secret lotion for? True story by the way.
Best Behaviour Business. Have you ever been on a “first date” and felt like you were holding in a gargantuan fart the whole time? No? Just me then? Shee-it! Okay. I really do suck at this.
Holding in a fart? Most probably!
This post was originally published on May 18th, 2013.
Vernette still sucks at dating
but she has decided it is in her best interest…
that she farts freely going forward.
I love this post. It is so me.
Author
Aww thanks for reading Tracy!
I’ve been laughing for five minutes straight! I’m the same way, I pick a book in bed over meeting strangers any day…we just march to a different beat is all 🙂 Great Post
Author
Aww I agree with that marching to our own beat! We so ROCK! 🙂
That was a good read. Funny & informative. Thanks for the heads up.
Signed,
Us Guys
Author
You’re Welcome!
OMG! Veeeeeee! I love it! So true every single line. I do so love my body pillow and kindle! Why only have free movies when you can have free movies and free books! And without moving from bed! Sigh….
Author
Free movies and free books!!! That is the life! 🙂
ah that’s great – had some friends write some positive stuff on singleness here if you’re interested in some good reads… then back to the pillow and the movies… http://brettfish.wordpress.com/2012/09/04/taboo-topics-singleness-intro/ – thankx for the share – fun!
Author
oooh thank you 😀 I’ll read now.
‘hehehe’ – I really don’t believe you are lazy at all and more less boring – as I see it so dating sometimes turn into a kind of mechanical amusement industry where normality becomes diffused so too many follow a manual that no one knows who has written – I guess nowadays we all will be evaluated on how many we’ve been dating and how many facebook friends we have – instead of just being ourselves… 😀
Best wishes… 🙂
Author
So true about following a manual whose author is unknown!!! Thanks for your kind sentiments 🙂
Sometimes things just need to happen naturally. I am sure that somebody is out there looking for the same things that you are. Then you would be able to fart freely together 🙂 Oh the shee-it clouds! haa haa loved the post humorous and honest thanks for sharing a bit of you.
Author
LMAO At things happening naturally! I see what you did there 🙂
Im at my whits end lol, you found me out 🙂
Oh Vernette, where do I start? The reason you’re probably not enjoying the date is that those dates ARE boring – sitting across from someone you don’t know distracts you from eating and watching movies are definitely not date events. Movies are the thing you do with your girlfriends, only because you both want to see the movie and have someone to share the XL popcorn with. If a guy asked me out to a movie on the first date, I’d straight up tell him no.
if you both like hiking, then what you should do on a date is walk – around the park, backpacks if necessary, share the contents of the pack. And you wouldn’t even have to use your Victoria Secret lotion 🙂
I’ll probably write a post about this later in the week.
Author
You know it Karen! I will definitely read your post on this. And I have certainly learned my lesson on what kind of first dates to say yes to and which ones to skip!
Just know for if you ever go on a date again, you NEVER use your Victoria Secret lotion OR body wash on a first date…Jergens will do, thank you very much. When you feel compelled to shave your legs or you consider which underwear to put on…then it’s time for the good stuff. <– see what I did there?
Really good piece!
Author
Now I know! VS will be saved for special occasions indeed! 😀