Thanksgiving

I celebrated my birthday on Monday and I decided this year that instead of waiting to receive gifts, I will give them instead. I got the idea for my “Thanksgiving” from a new friend Nalini, who celebrated her graduation and other personal milestones by feeding the homeless in her community and in our main city of Port of Spain. It was something I was thinking about for a while and found the inspiration to actually do it while listening to her story.

This is a time of change for me, it’s a new year of life, I just completed the 29-Gift journey and I wanted to end it in a meaningful way and Tuesday 7th will be two years since my mother died. I wanted to find a way to commemorate my mother’s death by doing something for others, which was how she spent most of her life. This was the perfect way to give thanks for life and for love.

The hardest thing was deciding what the meal would be. I finally settled on Salt Fish Buljol and Cassava Dumplings . Everything I know about food my mother taught me. I chose Cassava Dumplings, because I love, love, LOVE cassava and in dumpling form…it’s an extra special treat. Making the dumplings would mean that I’d have to knead flour and that would mean me connecting with the meal in personal way. And since one of the first things my mother taught me was how to knead flour, it just felt like I was on the right track. Cassava Dumplings pair well with Salt Fish Buljol, so that was the menu.

This thanksgiving was very personal to me and since it seemed pretty simple at the time, I declined all offers for help. I wanted to do this for me and for my mother. Boy, did I underestimate the work this venture entailed. Making Buljol for lunch for 4 people is one thing, making it for 30 people….Whoa! With Buljol, most of the work is prep: chopping and dicing up vegetables. My prep time took more than an hour. Then came the tedious task of grating the cassava, the whole time I was doing this I keep saying out loud all the things I was thankful for. And saying out loud what I was thankful for, kept me focused and mindful throughout the preparation of this meal for 30 people.

I am thankful for the mother I had. For the values she instilled in me, for the sacrifices she made and for the love she gave to me. She was my first love.

I am thankful for my sister and brother. They are my mirrors and my only link to the real journey of how I got to where I am today.

For my brother-in-law, he drove me around today and helped me distribute the meals to the homeless persons. Thanks just doesn’t seem like enough.

For my old friends who keep me grounded and for my new friends who bring so much value, light and love into my life.

I am thankful for love. For knowing love, for truly feeling love and no longer being cynical about that “BIG Love”. I am thankful that because I love, I am no longer afraid to speak my truth and what’s in my heart. Saying “I love you” makes you vulnerable yes, but it also empowers you. Not because the story didn’t end the way you want it to, doesn’t make the love any less real.

I am so thankful for my journey, sometimes we lose sight of the abundance we have and I am very guilty of this. It is a constant struggle to focus on the things I do have, rather than what’s missing. I am thankful that I was able to prepare and share a simple meal with 30 people today who may not have had one or know where their next meal is coming from.

I had so many doubts about doing this today. When I woke up I was consumed by fear and doubt about having enough money, or what if a homeless person harmed me or what if they didn’t like the food or wasted it. I almost let those gremlins convince me that I wasnt enough. Thankfully, these last 29 days, have brought me closer to the authentic me I want to be. The me who truly lives in love and continues to choose love every single day. It’s not easy. I have those gremlins in my head that feed on my fears but with each act of kindness, each step forward feeling the fear and doing it anyway, I prove them wrong.