March Madness?

March…thus far, in a word: HEAVY

I have been feeling depleted emotionally, physically, mentally and most worrying for me…spiritually. I’ve gone though “desert” experiences before; but these last couple weeks, I feel like I’ve been lost in the desert. I suppose…this has been a true “Lenten” experience.

I’m not sick nor am I pushing myself too hard, but folks I feel drained. When I’m in this place, all my unresolved issues and insecurities and fears are magnified a thousand million times…and yes there is also a little issue with exaggeration. I keep ruminating over the past and wishing there are things I could do differently. There are things that happened, things I’ve done, that to this day…they still make me cringe with shame.

Living with shame/guilt/a general inability to let the past go and forgive ourselves for mistakes is one of the quickest and surest ways to keep ourselves disconnected from God and, as a result, miserable. ~ Brian Johnson

How do I let my past mistakes go once and for all? How do I forgive myself and let go of the past? I want to have my own resurrection. I’ve learned the lessons…boy have I learned them…and now I just want to move past the hurt, shame, disappointment and unforgiveness.

The person who is to succeed will never let his mind dwell on past mistakes. He will forgive the past in his life and in the lives of other people. If he makes a mistake he will at once forgive it. ~ Ernest Holmes

I’ve been contemplating this “desert” experience and I realized that to get to this resurrection I so crave…I have to be willing to take up my cross and start on the journey.

When the cross is embraced it becomes a sign of love and of total self-giving. To carry it behind Christ means to be united with him in offering the greatest proof of love … the choice is between a full life and an empty existence, between truth and falsehood. ~ Pope John Paul II

So my big epiphany or rather the truth I’ve faced up to this week: Un-forgiveness is my cross.

How can I begin to “love others as I love myself” when I’m constantly being un-loving to myself for past mistakes? Forgiveness is an act of Love. Love simply cannot exist where there is no forgiveness. Jesus forgave the people who crucified him. Easter is in fact a celebration of forgiveness.

Take up your cross and follow Me ~ Matthew 16:24; Mark 8:34; Luke 9:23

He is asking me to follow him, to model him and in doing so…I too, must forgive. It starts with forgiving myself for all the crap I’ve done, for all the unkind words, thoughts and actions I’ve inflicted on myself, for opportunities missed, love lost and unfulfilled and for all the hurt and pain, I’ve experienced as a result of the words or actions of others.

So am I willing to take up my cross every day and follow Christ to my own resurrection? Am I willing to model him and forgive myself and others? Am I willing to release the past with love so that it doesn’t have power over me anymore? And most importantly, am I willing to receive forgiveness so that my heart can remain open to the Light and Love within?

The answer is: YES.

Bless it and let it go and keep moving forward.

While you have many alternative futures, you also have many alternative pasts. Out of billions of experiences in your life, you have chosen to focus on only a small number of selected events as your “past.” You may think of events A, G, M, and W as your past; but you could also define your past as events B, D, R, and Z. If you focus on traumatic or self-defeating moments as your past, your future will replicate them. If you focus on empowering and self-honoring events, those are the ones you will repeat.Your life and experiences have only the meaning you give them. You can take any experience and reframe it in a way that honors and empowers you. ~ Alan Cohen