VernetteOutLoud

Auntie Up: Tears of joy!

I don’t know why this post didn’t shoot off when it was supposed to, but this is my entry for the Daily Prompt: Tears of Joy

I am a crier.

I cry for lots of things. If it’s the right time of the month, I will cry over an advertisement on TV even.

However, the only people who know this are those closest to me…and well now those of you reading this.

I have been called a bitch…the more politically correct among those who speak about me without truly knowing me would say I’m unapproachable or intimidating.

That said, I admit it: I have a hard exterior or rather I give the impression that I have a hard exterior.

I also have a very soft underbelly.

So imagine, the last day of the 2012, I’m already thinking about the promise of the New Year and my phone rings. It’s my brother.

Maurice: You’re going to be an Auntie next year.
Me: What??? *drops phone* *struggle ensues* *finally gets phone in hand*
Me: WHAT???
Maurice: Yea, we just came from the Doctor’s office and you’re going to be an Auntie next year.
Me: Oh my gosh *immediately starts blubbering* I’m so happy. I’m so happy for you. WOW!

These were my first truly happy tears.

When he told me they heard the heartbeat folks, the rush of love I felt for that little heartbeat is unlike any love I’ve felt before. I cannot wait to meet my little nephew (*fingers crossed* this will be confirmed next week and
I’ll say this here, my brother has been calling the bump “Cupcake” and I take umbrage on behalf of my unborn nephew.)

When I think about him even now…I get a lump in my throat for the blessing of his presence. He is truly a gift and one I will cherish. I have three godsons, I love them all. But this love I feel…oh my word! Makes me think about my own future son and I understand a little bit now the commitment of unconditional love. It just is. Imagine the rainstorm when I finally meet him…

When my nephew reads this someday, I want him to know that even before I knew him…I loved him.

It was the absolute best way to end 2012 and the perfect start to 2013.

Aunties to be!!!

Aunties to be!!!

Trifextra Challenge: 36

Remember,

after the thunderous rebellion of the clouds

and the stinging rain has washed over us,

the sun always comes out,

sometimes even with a rainbow.

The only way to heal it is to feel it.

_________________________________________________________

I’m participating in Trifecta’s Trifextra Challenge for this weekend:
Trifecta Writing Challenge

“This weekend, we are revisiting a prompt we’ve done before. We are giving you three words and asking that you add another 33 to them to make a complete 36-word response. You may use the words in any order you choose.

Our three words are:

remember
rain
rebellion

Now you give us yours.”

You can check out others’ entries or submit your own at:

Trifextra: Week Sixty

Please feel free to share your own “36” below.

March Madness?

March…thus far, in a word: HEAVY

I have been feeling depleted emotionally, physically, mentally and most worrying for me…spiritually. I’ve gone though “desert” experiences before; but these last couple weeks, I feel like I’ve been lost in the desert. I suppose…this has been a true “Lenten” experience.

I’m not sick nor am I pushing myself too hard, but folks I feel drained. When I’m in this place, all my unresolved issues and insecurities and fears are magnified a thousand million times…and yes there is also a little issue with exaggeration. I keep ruminating over the past and wishing there are things I could do differently. There are things that happened, things I’ve done, that to this day…they still make me cringe with shame.

Living with shame/guilt/a general inability to let the past go and forgive ourselves for mistakes is one of the quickest and surest ways to keep ourselves disconnected from God and, as a result, miserable. ~ Brian Johnson

How do I let my past mistakes go once and for all? How do I forgive myself and let go of the past? I want to have my own resurrection. I’ve learned the lessons…boy have I learned them…and now I just want to move past the hurt, shame, disappointment and unforgiveness.

The person who is to succeed will never let his mind dwell on past mistakes. He will forgive the past in his life and in the lives of other people. If he makes a mistake he will at once forgive it. ~ Ernest Holmes

I’ve been contemplating this “desert” experience and I realized that to get to this resurrection I so crave…I have to be willing to take up my cross and start on the journey.

When the cross is embraced it becomes a sign of love and of total self-giving. To carry it behind Christ means to be united with him in offering the greatest proof of love … the choice is between a full life and an empty existence, between truth and falsehood. ~ Pope John Paul II

So my big epiphany or rather the truth I’ve faced up to this week: Un-forgiveness is my cross.

How can I begin to “love others as I love myself” when I’m constantly being un-loving to myself for past mistakes? Forgiveness is an act of Love. Love simply cannot exist where there is no forgiveness. Jesus forgave the people who crucified him. Easter is in fact a celebration of forgiveness.

Take up your cross and follow Me ~ Matthew 16:24; Mark 8:34; Luke 9:23

He is asking me to follow him, to model him and in doing so…I too, must forgive. It starts with forgiving myself for all the crap I’ve done, for all the unkind words, thoughts and actions I’ve inflicted on myself, for opportunities missed, love lost and unfulfilled and for all the hurt and pain, I’ve experienced as a result of the words or actions of others.

So am I willing to take up my cross every day and follow Christ to my own resurrection? Am I willing to model him and forgive myself and others? Am I willing to release the past with love so that it doesn’t have power over me anymore? And most importantly, am I willing to receive forgiveness so that my heart can remain open to the Light and Love within?

The answer is: YES.

Bless it and let it go and keep moving forward.

While you have many alternative futures, you also have many alternative pasts. Out of billions of experiences in your life, you have chosen to focus on only a small number of selected events as your “past.” You may think of events A, G, M, and W as your past; but you could also define your past as events B, D, R, and Z. If you focus on traumatic or self-defeating moments as your past, your future will replicate them. If you focus on empowering and self-honoring events, those are the ones you will repeat.Your life and experiences have only the meaning you give them. You can take any experience and reframe it in a way that honors and empowers you. ~ Alan Cohen

Press PLAY!

Today’s daily promt is all about telling a story about how your week went through song.

Monday:

I hate Mondays.

Tuesday:

I miss my mother. (And this was one of her favs)

Wednesday:

I’m feeling sorry for myself. Thinking about the past. A LOT!

Thursday:

F**K IT!
V is for VICTORIOUS

Friday:

International Women’s Day 2013

Weekend Bonus Track:

Mellow Weekend vibes. I’m centered once again, looking ahead to a better, more productive week.

All Grown Up

When was the first time you really felt like a grown up (if ever)?

I remember it clearly.

It was a Tuesday back in June 2010.

My mother, sister and I were returning from what would be one of the last visits to my mother’s Doctor. I was sitting on the back seat of the car, mummy directly in front of me. Trudy was driving.

I was trying my best to keep the tears at bay. But I simply couldn’t.

My mother said, “It’s bad isn’t it?”

And I said… “Yes. But we will get thru it.”

I could have chosen many milestones throughout my “adulthood” but despite age and the decisions I had to make over the years, the decision I made that day was the most adult thing I have ever done.

I was going to be strong for my mother, so she could be strong enough to let go when the time came.

My mother was my first love. It is from her I first learned what unconditional love really meant. Loving someone enough to let them go is hard…letting go of my mother…

Damn.

I still cannot even begin to describe what that took.

The Mama & I

The mama & I