VernetteOutLoud

Live good & Love hard

I witnessed a drowning yesterday.

It happened so quickly.

The frantic resuscitation attempts.

The Panic. The Fear. The Utter Helplessness.

The Hope. The Anger. The dull ache in my tummy.

The tears I shed for someone I did not know.

The sick feeling I still cannot shake.

My heart and prayers go out to the family and friends who now have to move on from this tragedy.

I wonder: had any of us on the beach early yesterday morning done any one thing differently, would this have still happened?

Life is what it is – a series of intersecting lives and incidents, out of anyone’s control…– Benjamin Button

Out of anyone’s control?

I struggled to find the words to express all that I’m feeling right now. I still didn’t get it right. But what I want to say is that we so often take “time” for granted…but for every one of us it is FINITE! It WILL end and it can happen in an instant.

Just Live GOOD and LOVE HARD! Make this journey worth it – that much you can control.

The Fault In Our Stars

The Fault In our Stars

The Fault In our Stars


The Fault in our Stars
by John Green

My rating* – 3.9

This review contains spoilers.

Diagnosed with Stage IV thyroid cancer at 13, Hazel was prepared to die until, at 14, a medical miracle shrunk the tumours in her lungs… for now.

Two years post-miracle, sixteen-year-old Hazel is post-everything else, too; post-high school, post-friends and post-normalcy. And even though she could live for a long time (whatever that means), Hazel lives tethered to an oxygen tank, the tumours tenuously kept at bay with a constant chemical assault.

Enter Augustus Waters. A match made at cancer kid support group, Augustus is gorgeous, in remission, and shockingly to her, interested in Hazel. Being with Augustus is both an unexpected destination and a long-needed journey, pushing Hazel to re-examine how sickness and health, life and death, will define her and the legacy that everyone leaves behind.-Book Description courtesy GoodReads

When I realised the book was “a cancer book that was not a bullshit cancer book” I had to steel myself against all that I knew was going to come.

Many times during this book, I thought: Who is John Green and why does he think he can write a book like this? What authority does he have on this particular subject matter? And why use children with cancer? What’s his end game really?

There were times I felt like I was reading “A walk to Remember” if it were written by Diablo Cody. Gus and Hazel are teenagers but they don’t behave like teenagers. They act and speak like John Green. The supporting cast: parents, friends etal…all act and speak like John Green.

Thankfully, John Green is cool in his own nerdy, witty way. But let me warn you now, if you are planning on reading this book, make sure to have Google near at hand. When I say Green is a nerd…I kid you not. He expects you to know what a harmartia is or Zeno’s Tortoise Paradox. I felt like I was getting a vocabulary lesson, and when I thought about it, this is a good thing since this is a book for young adults. They could learn something reading this book. I certainly did.

I gave this book an almost 4, because it was better than ok, but not the best book ever. I liked that he made the distinction between a “cancer story” and “your story” because there is a huge difference. I also really identified with Hazel’s mother as care-giver. We the Care-givers have a really tough job and often don’t get the chance to really own what we are feeling. No matter how devastated you are, you are not the one with cancer. You are not the one who is dying. We have to put it all aside for our loved ones.

My favourite lines are:

    What a slut time is. She screws everybody.

    I’m in love with you, and I’m not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things

    That’s the thing about pain…it demands to be felt

    Grief does not change you. It reveals you.

What I didn’t like about the book, is what I liked about the book. It was pretty bittersweet because it was a sharp reminder of my own experiences with cancer. This tells me, that this is an adult story being played out by teenagers. Green also claims that it is “not a cancer book” ..but it so is. The whole draining of Hazel’s lungs (a side effect of the drug/cancer) was way too close to home for me. Green described the whole process in detail. This happened with my mother, we had to drain her lungs regularly. And it was one of the first indications that her cancer was back. The parts where Gus planned his funeral and then he had Hazel and Isaac write and share their eulogies…my mother planned her funeral down to the clothes she wanted us to wear (she wanted us all in white). At this point, I was back to thinking…what gives him the right?

It is a tear-jerker, but a lot of my tears had to do with some very adult questions these teen characters were pondering and I was thinking about them in the context of my mother and what she must have been feeling and thinking and asking herself.

Oh and there is teenage sex.

This book explores some pretty heavy stuff – love, death and living a life worth living. At the end of our lives, no matter how much time we had, we all want to know that it was worth it…our choices were worth it. Green’s end game? “A short life, can be a good life.”

_________________________________________________________
*my personal quality ratings are the scores I give books on a scale of 0-5 based on my personal opinion of a book. 0 is “birdcage liner” and 5 is “off-the-hook good”

The Five People You Meet In Heaven

“…all endings are also beginnings. We just don’t know it at the time.”

The Five People You Meet In Heaven
by Mitch Albom

My rating* – 5

This review contains spoilers.

Eddie is a wounded war veteran, an old man who has lived, in his mind, an uninspired life. His job is fixing rides at a seaside amusement park. On his 83rd birthday, a tragic accident kills him as he tries to save a little girl from a falling cart. He awakes in the afterlife, where he learns that heaven is not a destination, but an answer.

In heaven, five people explain your life to you. Some you knew, others may have been strangers. One by one, from childhood to soldier to old age, Eddie’s five people revisit their connections to him on earth, illuminating the mysteries of his “meaningless” life, and revealing the haunting secret behind the eternal question: “Why was I here? – Book Description courtesy Amazon

This is the kind of book you recommend to people…but NEVER lend your own copy because you won’t get it back. I actually have a copy just for lending. It’s a pretty easy read…you can read it in a weekend. But the themes are deep and I suppose depending on the stage you are at in your life, those themes can get deeper still.

I read this book shortly after my mum died and then again this month for my book club. I already know that this is a book I’ll read again more than once in my lifetime.

“No story sits by itself. Sometimes stories meet at corners and sometimes they cover one another completely, like stones beneath a river.”

This is one of the major themes of this novel and for me most poignant. There are no random acts in this life. We are all connected in one way or another. Eddie was right where he was supposed to be. Despite him thinking that his life was just a life with no special purpose, therein held his purpose. To lead a regular, maintenance guy’s life and by doing so he achieved an even greater purpose…he was able to ensure that other people got to live theirs to the fullest by keeping the park rides safe.

“There are five people you meet in heaven,” the Blue Man suddenly said. “Each of us was in your life for a reason. You may not have known the reason at the time, and that is what heaven is for. For understanding your life on earth.
…..I am your first person, Edward. When I died, my life was illuminated by five others, and then I came here to wait for you, to stand in your line, to tell you my story, which becomes part of yours. There will be others for you, too. Some you knew, maybe some you didn’t. But they all crossed your path before they died. And they altered it forever.” – Blue Man

There are no ordinary lives. You were put on this earth to achieve a specific purpose and when that is achieved you move on. Forgiveness, love, letting go are all necessary for Eddie to understand why he was on earth and what his time meant.

I especially loved that we start at the end of Eddie’s life. Albom, cleverly moves the story along by marking Eddie’s birthdays. Anyone who know’s me for all of two minutes, knows how much I love birthdays. I believe that, God chose this time in our history to bless this world with your presence, who are you not to acknowledge that? Celebrate away!

Eddie on the other hand…saw his birthdays as simply passing time. Not understanding that each year, brought more wisdom, each moment was significant for him. His life, my life…your life, is a series of beginnings and endings and most times we only see the importance of an event or “lesson” upon reflection. And this book is all about reflection and closure.

Eddie lacked “closure” in his life. He was abused by his dad, who withheld his love with no explanation. He was haunted by his war experience. He grieved for his dead wife and pretty much lived his life in the past, reliving old memories. Eddie was a frustrated old man. His “FIVE” helped him understand what happened so he could finally honor and let go of his past so he could move forward to the next stage of Heaven.

He finally understood that what he did while on earth was needed…the little things all made a huge difference in the lives around him. It all mattered, every trial, misstep, all the tears, hurt, joy, every choice, all added up and made a difference.

After he met his five, Eddie now waits in the line of five for another person…to help that person understand their life on earth because even in the after life we have a duty to help each other out.

No matter how you envision heaven, the after life or the great by and by to be…The Five People You Meet In Heaven will cause you to pause and examine some “profound” moments in your own life and consider their impact and meaning in the grand scheme of things.

_________________________________________________________
*my personal quality ratings are the scores I give books on a scale of 0-5 based on my personal opinion of a book. 0 is “birdcage liner” and 5 is “off-the-hook good”

Arms wide open

While cleaning my apartment this morning I found my late friend Jo’s-Ann’s memorial pamphlet. It stopped me in my tracks.

Sunrise: 25th May 1980
Sunset: 23rd December 2012

She was so young; a victim of Lupus .

Jo’s-Ann defied all odds and despite her challenges with Lupus, became the lawyer she always dreamed of becoming. She found a way to make her own rules as she went along. She did not allow the sometimes debilitating effects of her illness to direct how she saw her future. She assessed her reality, made plans and followed through on the those plans that did not give any room to “limitations”. What an example for those of us, who have far less to encumber us.

Her approach to life, the unique route she carved for herself and her ultimate triumph, has inspired me to go in the direction of my own dreams.

Finding the pamphlet, reminded me that I have been delaying deleting her from my BlackBerry Messenger. The very act of which seemed so final. Somehow this was my last connection to her.

Arrived.

That’s her BlackBerry messenger status.

Arrived.

She put that up when she got to the US back in November. She went there on vacation. She never came back.

My last and favourite memory of her was at Queen’s Royal College Old Boy’s Dinner, which we attended about two weeks before she left for vacation. I stood to go join the buffet line and asked Jo’s-Ann what she wanted because I was bringing her dinner to her as well. She said “Everything!”

At the time, I thought to myself…WOW…the girl said everything! No thought about the hour of the night or carbs or that “everything” might be too much for her. She just said, “Everything.”

She had “Everything” that night and she did so with no regrets.

This is an important lesson for me and for others as well.

This is how we should approach life; with arms and heart wide open. Wanting, taking in, absorbing, consuming, embracing, giving…EVERYTHING.

I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith.– 2 Timothy 4:7

When I look at her Messenger profile now, “Arrived” has new meaning.

Her work on earth was finished and now she truly has arrived. I am ready now to say the final goodbye.….I hit “Delete contact.”

Rest in peace my friend. We shall meet again.

My 'O' Face

In Loving Memory

It occurred to me when I read today’s daily post prompt that if I fell in the shower or choked on my vomit in my sleep (this would have been two weekends ago though…vodka is a bad bitch) that it would probably be days before anybody knew that I had died or even suspected something was wrong.

I live alone and while I have lots of friends and my family is involved in my life, I am quite independent and I cherish the solitude of home. It’s not unlike me to go a whole weekend home alone, no contact with the outside world. So the first alarm bells would be rung by my office most likely. Or maybe my neighbour. But then I’d have to have bought the farm in the living room and even then it would be because I’d started to smell for them to suspect anything. This is quite possible though, if let’s say I came home after a night of vodka and choked on my vomit on the futon.

If I happen to fall in the shower, it would definitely take a while for anybody to smell notice anything. Not this weekend though, if I had fallen in the shower this morning and died…by tonight someone would have found my body because I have plans for the weekend.

But let’s say it was like last weekend, where I had no plans and just wanted to sleep in and I had fallen in the shower Friday morning, I’d have been dead for probably four, maybe five days before anybody suspected something was amiss. And that somebody would have been the office most likely, wondering if I had abandoned the job or something.

It’s a sad thought but not really because I’d be dead, but it would be a horrible and traumatic way for my family to find out. And my poor landlady. She might have a hard time getting the stench out of the carpet and then the issues with getting the place rented again because Trinis are “superstitious” people…and nobody wants to live in a “dead house”.

Thinking about it some more…quite like the world ending on Dec 21st, four days before Christmas, dying this weekend would be most inconvenient for me unless there are Keurig coffee machines in heaven. Yes. I believe in heaven. And yes. That’s where I’m going when I die. No discussion.

You see, I’ve been lusting after this particular item for months. I have lovingly picked out the coffee mugs I will be drinking those steaming hot creations in and I have also delayed purchasing my Keurig so that it will arrive juste à temps for my Christmas morning breakfast. If I bought it any time before the designated date and it arrived before Christmas, I would use it…because I’m greedy and have no self-control when it comes to shiny new coffee-making gadgets. Soooo in order to keep myself in check, I’ve delayed my purchase. To thine own self be true.

My date for this most-wanted purchase is Tuesday 11th, because after factoring in delivery time, that date ensures my B60 arrives on Friday 21st December and well…you see where I’m going with this right?! The world cannot end on December 21st just like dying this weekend is out of the question.

However, I have no problem talking about death or me dying and if nothing else today’s prompt made me think about what I leave behind for my family to pack up. It also shows me how vulnerable I really am and that I should have some kind of plan in place. So here goes:

    1. Get to know my neighbor. My landlady is probably going to have come through on their side anyway to get into my apartment should something happen because she does not have keys for the locks on the gate to my porch.
    2. Make spare keys and give one to my brother and sister. Give my neighbor their contact numbers as well.
    3. Keep my cell phone close when I’m in the bathroom.
    4. Get rid of all the paper/bills/article clippings I no longer need but hoard because I’m an information hoader because there is no reason to burden anyone with the task of going through them to see what’s important or not.
    5. It would be best to have a fatal shower accident on a Monday or a Tuesday since my body would probably only have two, maybe three days to be found.
    6. I should probably cut back on the vodka on Friday nights…

Oh and as for writing the actual obit…I balked at the idea at first but decided to make it fun, while my fingers, toes and eyes are crossed that life does not imitate art in this case.

Deuces.

p.s. If I had died this weekend though, the one thing in my house I’d like to explain is the bottle of peppermint oil on top of my toilet tank. You see yesterday Awesome Stacy over at one of my favourite blogs, Stacy Makes Cents, posted this list of stocking stuffers and #10 on her list is the reason for the oil. Ladies, it can be a problem when we have to GO in public. Two drops of oil in the bowl solves the uh….smell problem. I used peppermint oil and trust me..it works!

You’re welcome!