VernetteOutLoud

Day 13 – Permission to be flawed

Today’s affirmation:

Today I give with joy.

My affirmation today, felt like a lie because joy was the last thing I was feeling. My lessons in forgiveness, are far from over. Since Saturday, I have had something weighing on my mind. I managed til now to convince myself that it wasnt that big of a deal. Boy was I wrong.

Have you ever had a phone call to make, but the more time passes, the easier it gets not to make it? You rationalise why you don’t have to make it, yet you feel guilty because the time that elapses only makes the situation worse? Damned if you do, damned if you don’t kind of business?

I had such a phone call to make. I had to call and apologize and ask for forgiveness. I was afraid to make the call and my inaction was frustrating me. If I am to live my truth and walk in light always, then I should be able to make this phone call. I should be able to feel the fear and do it anyway.

I truly felt ashamed that I wasnt able to deliver on a promise and I didn’t have the cojones to make amends. I was plagued by thoughts about what my friend must think of me now that I didn’t live up to expectations. How do I feel about myself? My integrity is now in question. What if my friend is so upset, she doesn’t even want to speak to me? And if she does hang-up on me, I deserved it didn’t I?

The more I tried not to think about it, the more I felt bad about it. I was beginning to feel like a fraud, here I am on this 29-Gift journey, trying to give of myself to others and I couldn’t even do this one thing. This thing that needed to be done. I finally picked up the phone tonight and dialed. No answer.

The coward in me rejoiced. Oh sweet relief! Now I can say, hey, I tried to call, but there was no answer. See, I made an effort, albeit a half-hearted one.

I managed to convince myself that this was ok…until I got home from work. As soon as I was alone with my thoughts, I decided I couldn’t come here and talk about light and love and there was this “love thing” I was avoiding doing. I simply had to Spartan-up and call again, whatever the consequences. Feeling bad about it and not doing anything, was not going to help me or my friend. So I called.

We spoke. Though she felt disappointed, she accepted my apology. I still feel terrible about the whole situation but I am very glad that I faced my ego and made the call. An apology is like a mirror. When it’s sincere, it is an admission to self that you are human, that you are flawed, you make mistakes, sometimes you disappoint people and yourself. Give yourself and the people in your life the permission to be human.

Day 12 – A simple gift

Today’s affirmation:

Today I simply give.

I got up today, filled with doubt. Doubts about this path and where I’m headed consumed me. I couldn’t even get creative about my affirmation. I didn’t mention before but there is one caveat for the 29 Days of giving which is, if you miss a day, you should start again from Day 1. By 4 p.m. I was feeling like I may have to start Day 1 again tomorrow. I had absolutely no clue about what the day’s gift was going to be. Starting over felt like a defeat somehow.

As I was wrapping up to leave the office, my friend Lucy invited my sister and I to join her for dinner. On the way to her spot, I thought to myself, how can I give a gift in this situation? But by the time I got there, I vowed to myself that today’s gift will happen naturally and that I should just enjoy the girl-time for what it was.

Lucy loves avocados as much as I do and so our dinner was going to be an avocado salad. Yes, my love affair with avocados continues. Below is a list of the ingredients we used for what turned out to be one of the yummiest salads I’ve ever had. It is light, easy to make and absolutely “customisable”

Avocado & Feta Salad

You will need:
2 ripe avocados
4 cups chopped romaine lettuce
3 tomatoes, chopped
2 green sweet peppers, diced into bite-sized pieces
2 apples, chopped
2 cilantro leaves, chopped
¼ cup chives, chopped
½ cup of crumbled feta
½ cup chopped walnuts
1 lime

For dressing:
4 tablespoons balsamic vinegar
2 tablespoons fresh lime juice
2 teaspoons olive oil


Directions:
Cut avocados in half and remove pits, dice and add to salad bowl.
Add lettuce, tomatoes, cilantro, sweet peppers and chives.
Toss and chill.

Combine all ingredients for dressing, whisk briskly.

When you’re ready to serve: top with apples, feta and walnuts.

Drizzle with dressing.

This made about 5 servings.

Salad Tip: Put some lime juice on the chopped apples, this will keep it from getting brown.

Today’s gift? I did the dishes and cleaned up after our dinner!

Day 11 – The gift for Forgiveness

It’s amazing what sleep does for the body. After my visit to the home for the aged, I came home and slept for almost 6 hours straight. Got up for about an hour and then went right back to sleep. I woke up this morning refreshed and feeling much better than I have in ages. My body really needed some rest.

Today’s affirmation:

Today I give and forgive.

This theme has been recurring all around me for last few days or so. Forgiveness. Grief. Letting Go. Moving on.

Now, when I started this 29-day journey, I had hoped each day, the opportunity to give a gift would present itself naturally, that I’d just know in my heart and spirit what felt right as that day’s gift. Today, however, I am home, the TV is on. I have no idea what or how the opportunity for a gift will present itself. But today is a special day.

One of my god-son’s (I have 3) is celebrating his birthday. My friends all know how much I love birthdays. I think that our presence here on this earth is indeed a present and another year of life should be celebrated. God chose this time in our history to bless this earth with your story…it is a very big deal. So to not be able to celebrate this milestone with him (he’s now a whole hand) hurts on a level I cannot explain. You see his mother and I are no longer friends.

Now some may say this should not affect the child. And I agree. It does not affect the love I have for him. However, I do know that I can love him from afar. It was a difficult decision, one that was in the making over the course of two years. There comes a time though, when we have to take stock of our friendships and take back our power in love. Some friendships drag you down and drain your energy. We hold on anyway because of loyalty, I refuse to say love, because caring about someone is not about martyrdom. Let go we must, for our own growth. This is not an easy thing to do especially with friendships that span years and bonds that are sometimes stronger than family.

I knew how I chose to deal with today, would determine if I’m truly done with this friendship. I chose not to call or message. Instead I chose to light a candle, say a prayer and wish my god-son all the light and love I could. Forgiveness can only happen through grieving and letting go. I have forgiven my friend for not valuing our friendship. I had a lot of grief about how things went down. But I know today started the letting go process. I’m not going to judge her process. I’m going to let the past be the past. We both have some growing to do and I will only do what I can with what I can control. How I react to things.

One day I hope I will have the chance to explain to my godson why I chose to deal with this the way I did. I pray that he understands and forgives me.

Day 10 – The gift of Time

Today’s affirmation:

Today I give with love

As a child, I would visit local nursing homes with my church choir around Christmas time. We’d go sing carols and bring gifts and while I was happy being a part of the choir. I never really understood why and how people could make the decision to leave a loved one in the care of strangers. Back then, it was something to do. I havent visited an old aged home in at least 20 years. My office, sent out a request this week, for volunteers to visit one in San Fernando. I immediately said yes.

Somehow, visiting as an adult was different. During the intervening years between singing Christmas carols with the church group and now, I’ve had personal experiences with death and of course my own aging, but today felt so different. There was a compassion, I never felt before.

The St Vincent De Paul Home for the Aged San Fernando was founded in 1930, the foundation stone was laid by the Archbishop of Port of Spain on lands donated by Ste. Madeline Sugar Company Ltd. situated at the Corner of Ruth and Independence Avenues, San Fernando. The home currently has about fifty residents.

When we got there, I felt a little uncertain about what to expect. My experience with children’s homes has taught me that 1 visit can make me feel guilty. Guilt, because I know that the children crave love and attention and 1 visit is just that…So I wasnt sure that this experience wouldn’t cause the same feelings to arise. The residents of old aged homes, yearn for the same love and attention, more so at this time in their journey but unfortunately, at this age some people think they need it less.

We got there around 3:00 p.m. so that gave us about an hour since they have dinner at 4. I sat and I looked at a cricket match on the TV with 3 of the male residents for a while. West Indies are playing New Zealand. New Zealand is batting. I didn’t think words were necessary. Men and sports, no matter the age, they are loud and they know everything about what’s going on.

Then it seemed the residents were all moving towards the dining room for dinner. So I sat at a table with the owner of the hand in my photo. Ms Rampersad is such a sweetheart. We got to talking, when I asked how old she was, she said it’s been so long she couldn’t remember. The matron told me she is 97.

The oldest resident will be 100 in December. Margaret Mitchell was born on 21st December, 1912. Her only complaint is that she couldn’t hear very well. She doesn’t have any kids. Her advice, “work hard and don’t depend on no man for anything.”

The daughter of one resident was visiting her mother while we were there and her mother insisted she wanted to go home. That had me a little emotional. I miss my own mother so much. It will be 2 yrs on August 7 that she has moved on and I miss her everyday.

There were some truly funny moments and some awe-inspiring ones. I feel guilt, because I’m not sure when I’ll be back and even when I do return…who will still be there? I feel compassion for the residents who are there and for the loved ones who had to make the decision to leave them there. Good care at this delicate time in the lives of these residents is paramount and caregivers are often take for granted. Yes they are paid staff, but how many people remember them in their prayers? I feel happy that despite the rain today, I made the journey. I feel relieved that my mother never had to go through that experience. Down to the end, a cousin of mine tried to convince me that maybe we should consider a hospice. I would have died before that happened. My sister and I took care of her instead.

Today’s gift is time. 45 mins spent with the residents of the St Vincent De Paul Home for the Aged. The residents and I have that in common, the gift that is time. I chose to share mine with them today. For me, it is priceless.

Day 9 – The gift of Gratitude

Saying “Thank You” is important.

Today’s affirmation:

Today I give with gratitude.

Yesterday, I decided what today’s gift was gonna be. After giving blood at our local Blood Bank, I decided to walk from Charlotte Street back to my office, which is four blocks over and then four blocks up.

I can already hear the tsk tsks, and the didn’t you know betters but in my defense, I’ve done this before, ran away at lunch time, gave blood and then walked back to the office and was perfectly fine.

However, it was different this time. VERY different!

On the way down the street, I stopped by an Avocado vendor, bought one (my sister requested that I come up with an Avocado Smoothie just for her)…all the while thinking, you’re feeling kinda queasy, Vernette.

But I shrugged it off, thinking the office wasn’t that far away. I could make it. Then this homeless guy stopped me, begging for something to eat. I couldn’t pass him…because the heat was getting to me too. So I stopped in at a mini-mart and got him something to drink. Maybe I should have gotten something for myself as well but I foolishly stoically continued walking in the heat which was now beginning to stifle me.

By the time I got to Pennywise (a local one-stop to get all your personal care items) which is one block down, I was feeling light-headed and seeing spots. There was a roaring in my head and I could tell a black-out was coming on. I quickly told the one of the cashiers that I needed to sit because I was about to black-out. I think they saw my panic and chalky look and immediately went into action.

The staff really took good care of me. They didn’t waste any time, they found me a seat behind the counter and brought me some Limacol (a soothing astringent). Two of them fanned me continuously, because cold sweats were taking over. I’m so grateful for all that care. I was in real danger of this happening in the street and it would not have ended this way at all.

I cannot help but feel thankful, grateful, humbled by the thought, that maybe some of the love I sent out into the universe during the last week was coming back to me in this moment, when I truly needed help. When my friend asked for a blood donation yesterday, I was quick to thank God and the universe for sending me a creative way to give a gift. And now I say thank you again to God and the universe for blessing me with compassionate strangers who didn’t hesitate to help me.

To the Staff at Pennywise Cosmetics on Charlotte St, thank you for your compassion and kindness. Especially to Hema Cassie, who really went out of her way, during one of their busiest periods in the store to ensure that I was ok. Hema and another one of her co-workers fanned me, talked to me during the ordeal and made sure I stayed alert, she called my sister and waited with me, until a Chauffeur from the office came to get me. A million times thank you. Today, my gift is a small token of gratitude for their kindness and compassion. I am sending a card to the staff and flowers especially to Hema.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.